2-28-89

Well dear readers, here we go again. The really silly thing about this entry is that at the top of the page I wrote 'Is love not the best thing of all?' In light of my current situation, I would really like to go back and throttle my teenage self! She is partially to blame for all this! Anyway..on to the meat.

     2-28-89

     Today was such a routine day, but it wasn't. (oh for fucks sake, here we go. let me guess, you fell in love?) I guess it just sort of felt like it. It was my friends b-day. We gave him a bunch of stuff during first period and he was really embarrassed. I think he really appreciated it though. (yes, because everyone appreciates being embarrassed) He said that his parents forgot. They were probably saving it until after school. I hope so, it would really suck if my parents forgot my b-day. They never have before. (sixteen candles anyone?)

                                                                 (*) (here we go with the asterisk again)
 
     Lately I have realized that Duke is getting old. (crap, now I'm going to start crying) He won't live much longer. I'm really sad about that. (you have no idea how devastated you will be. you will cry for years and miss him forever) He is such a big part of me. I love him so much. He has been with me most of my life. Nine years so far. I believe that is how old he is. He might last through my high school years but I doubt it. (sadly you were right. he only made it two more years. what an amazing dog he was) He's not an abnormally healthy dog and the average age for small dogs is about 10-13 years. (where did I get that info?) I don't know how I'd react. (you cried for weeks. you couldn't take your finals. it was awful) I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. Maybe I love him too much. (not possible. dogs deserve every ounce of love we have and more) It can't be good for me but then again neither is coffee. (did you just compare your love for your amazing best friend to coffee? you are seriously a freak)


                                                             (*)

     I wonder if you know how much I admire you. I'v (yes I apparently couldn't spell I've) always wanted to be just like you. To me, you are perfect. (considering I know who I was writing this too I have to laugh really hard at myself)

And now we move on to 1989

Hello dear readers! We are skipping forward to February of 1989, mainly because I don't seem to have written anything between the end of the last journal and this point. I'm sure if I had kept one during this time, it would say something like 'I'm in love with ... and I'm now in love with... and how am I ever going to live without...' You get the point. So let's move on and see what I had to say when I was 14 and a half.

2-27-89 (I stopped numbering my entries finally!) (Oh, and at the top of the page is a poorly drawn peace symbol, I wish I could figure out how to add pictures to this..)

     Well I'm starting my journal to you. It'll be a book when I'm done. (No, at this point I don't know who I am writing this to but I'm sure I'll figure it out as we go along) I'm using it not only as a place to write the days happenings but also a place to put down ideas, thoughts and feelings. (so apparently you are aware of what a journal is for. Good for you.) It's a good idea. Thank you.

(then I put a little asterisk in the middle of page. I guess I was signifying a change of subject)

     I've started to straighten out my life now. (snort) Since I know that someday we are to be married (I'm impressed I made it this far before wanting to choke my teenage self) I can work towards that goal. I need solidness in my life (like having a great family, both parents still married to each other, and living in Saratoga wasn't solid?) and now I have it. I'm going to better in school (snort again), I mean really work hard. I'm going to get a job once school is doing better, and I'm going to be good. (snort, snort, snort!) No more smoking or shit like that. (sure whatever you say) I'm still going to drink coffee though. I love it.
                                                                  (asterisk *)

     I've dreamed of marrying somebody I love with all my heart since I was a little girl. (and that is how you ended up in the trouble you are in today) Now my dream has come true. (well, not really. you exactly married at this point you nitwit) I wish time would go faster. (Christ, kids are fucking annoying) Six years seems like a long time from now. I know that once it has gone by it'll seem as though it took no time at all. (that might be the first intelligent thing I had ever said) But, I'm impatient when it comes to waiting 10 min for dinner. 10 minutes is nothing compared to six years.

                                                                            (*)

     I've always, well not always because the thought hit me recently (ugh, you need to be slapped) wondered if you think I'm too much younger than you. I know it won't matter in 6-10 years but what about now?

                                                                             (*)

    Tomorrow is one of my friends birthdays. Francis. (ah Franny, I remember this day) We, a group of friends, are going to embarrass the hell out of him because we bought him flowers, a balloon, streamers, and a card. (apparently we are all assholes too. why would we go out of our way to make someone feel embarrassed?) He's a pretty shy guy so it'll be cute. (again, we are assholes)

                                                                              (*)

     (anyone sick of the asterisks yet?)  I keep changing subject's huh? (thanks for clueing in) I guess I only have so much to say about one thing. (and yet so much to say in general)

                                                                             

See you next time for 2-28-89 where at the top of the page I wrote 'is love not the best thing of all?' God, I don't know how much more of myself I can handle.
 
    

24th entry

     Well folks, some of you have been so kind as to let me know how much you have been enjoying reading my old diaries and because of that, I'm encouraged to keep going. So thank you for taking the time out of your day to say hi and let me know what you think. And for those of you who read them and don't even bother to say a damn thing.. ;) just kidding. I don't mind if you don't tell me how awesome I am, I tell myself enough for everyone. Here, my dear readers, is the 24th entry!


     24th (I didn't even bother writing entry this time..looks like we might finally be getting to the end of the numbering system. Woohoo! Anyway...)

24th   11-22-88

     Life is perfect. I never thought I could be so happy. I love Jesse and he loves me. It couldn't get much better. (That is actually the entire entry. Apparently I was so busy being in love...again...that I couldn't write anything else. Is anybody else exhausted by all this?)

25th   12-12-88

     I'm happy! (yeah, because this has lasted almost 3 whole weeks!) Jesse and I are getting along real well. (real well? isn't that swell?) No fights or anything. We are still very much in love. (Ok, I do have to give myself a tiny bit of credit here since I was pretty much in love with Jesse all of 5th and 6th grade as well. There was history there baby) It's been a month now. (that is actually a lifetime for you my flighty little self) I love him so much. Someday I'm going to marry him. Life will be perfect then. :) (yes, I actually drew myself a little smiley face but that is totally beside the point. I really should be laughing at myself for the whole 'I'm going to marry him' thing considering I also thought I was going to marry Rick Springfield when I was 11. Another embarrassing story for another time)

Sadly everyone, this is the end of this particular journal. But never fear! I have found the green journal and soon we will begin again from February 27, 1989!    

22nd entry (what am I going to call them when I stop numbering them?)

Yes my dear friends, there is always more..


     22nd entry  11-18-88

     I'm so happy! Jesse is coming to visit me on Sunday. Just when I thought I wouldn't see him again. He told me he wanted to see me. (this whole thing with Jesse started in 5th grade and man, what an obsession! We went 'around' in 5th and 6th grade. That meant we sat next to each other in assembly) My mom said ok. I really love him (shocking that) and I am thinking of running away with him. (this is so about to get embarrassing) I won't leave forever. just for a little while. A few weeks. (yes, because that is how running away works) I just want to be with him. I want to be with him forever. (I can almost hear my own breathless voice as I declare my desire) He is my life. (at least for this minute) My heart & soul. (can I reach back through time and slap myself silly?)


     23rd - (yay, I finally stopped writing entry at least!)  11-21-88

     Well I guess this is the 13th or 14th time for me and Jesse. He told me he still loves me. He also gave me his necklace. (well that seals it then, doesn't it?) That really means a lot to me. (I think he also gave you half of a $5 bill that you still have in a box somewhere. It was supposed to signify that you would one day be together again. I love that I have hung on to this random shit and that I still know why) He kissed me for the first time yesterday. It was strange because I've known him for 4.5 years and this was the first time we kissed. (such a silly innocent youth) I have a feeling it won't be the last. (actually, it might have been because you most likely fell in love with someone else on your way to the mailbox that day) Brian said that Jesse is just using me but I don't believe it. (why would you? He is your heart & soul for god's sake!) Jesse is a different person when he's with me. (all men are honey) He's loving and kind. I really believe that he cares. Life is great, I'm so Happy! He's coming to see me today after school. He's taking the bus from Mountain View. (now that is true love right there) He said he'd be there at 3. I can't wait. I really love him. (for the next 5 minutes)


I have some really truly awful poetry that I might need to one day include in this but for now, let's leave my embarrassment to just my journal entries.

20th entry

Let's see what ridiculous thoughts I recorded this time.

     20th entry   11-7-88

     Well Kian bought me some 'reds'. (I guess this was my slang for Marlboros. Got what a horrible place to start. Not even lights, I went straight to being a cowboy) He doesn't seem to care very much. He just told me that I shouldn't. (why, why didn't I listen??) I also double pierced my ear last night. Mom and Baba haven't noticed, again. (I guess I must have done it one other time?) Zack is my boyfriend now. (i'm sure you have all rolled your eyes like I did) He's really nice and I like him so I figured why not? (much more eye rolling going on here) He obviously likes me too. (well I should hope so nitwit) We went out with Kevin, Dan Melissa, and Amy today. We were going to go to Paramount Imports (can anyone believe that place is still in business? it was like the Mecca for all things blacklight, goth, and stoner and it looks exactly the same today as it did 16 years ago) but we ran out of time. Oh-Well. It would have been fun. I am really changing. (not really, no you aren't) I cut 5th period last Thursday. Dan, Kevin, Zack, Melissa, and I went out after lunch. We went to Dan's house so that he could change then we went to Kevin's house and watched the end of Good Morning Vietnam. It was a real blast. (at least we had good taste in movies) They are really fun to be with. They accept me as one of their equals. (snort. Really, I just snorted) They only pick on me once in a while (as compared to who?) and I can handle it. I think this will be a great year. (i'm fairly sure you already mentioned that)


Any why not add one more? I'm feeling flush with the triumph of finding the large green spiral bound notebook I was looking for.

     21st entry   11-16-88

     I know I haven't written in a while but I've been lazy and sick. I caught bronchitis again. (man, I was always sick because of bronchitis) It's not going well with Zack. He seems to be ignoring me. Maybe hes just too occupied with other things but he still hangs all over Gretchen. (Grrr! Gretchen. you poor thing, she is always stealing your boyfriends throughout high school. she eventually gets your 'first' to cheat on you and you will spend years making even more bad decisions about men because of it. Feh on her) I'm still very in love with Jesse. (wait, not Zack?) He told me that when he turns 16 he's going to run away. (because that is such a mature age to set out on your own) If he does I want to go with him. I told him that and he said he'd take me. (oh the stupid dreams of teenagers are so annoying!) I love him so much that sometimes it hurts.

I can barely keep up with all the guys I was supposedly in love with. It is kind of funny that I totally remember (almost) all of them. I was so completely convinced each and every time that this was the love of my life.

18th entry 11-2-88

Good news readers! I have found the green spiral bound notebook! That means I don't have to hoard the few entries I had left in the current book. There are definitely some gaps in time but whatever, like ohmigod, it is totally tubular! Sorry, had to fall into 80's high school speak for a second there. Anyway, enjoy!

     Scott wants me to get back together with him. (no wonder I only weighed 90 lbs. in high school, I clearly never had time to eat) I am really mixed up as to what to do. (well you kind of answered your own dilemma there, if you have to stop to think about it...) I had the chance for a perfect love and I threw it away. Twice. (good god, what the hell is a perfect love in your mind you silly addled child?) Scott wants to break up with his girlfriend and I'm afraid I would be just an excuse. I don't love him anymore. (then what the fuck is there to be mixed up about? ugh, I'm getting sick of you) Well, I do but not as much. I love him as a good friend and I don't want to risk ruining that. (don't worry, he'll be in and out of your life for a really really long time and actually when the friendship does end, you'll be really bummed out because it wasn't even over something that should have ended it) Besides, its time to go on with my life. (Christ woman, who will be your 'moving on')


19th entry ( I really hope that I eventually stop with the numbering of my entries)  11-3-88

     Well I've been put on stage crew for the school play. (I totally remember this time frame and it was so much fun!) Zack's on it too. It's pretty fun but it's lots of hard work. ( I totally don't remember hard work, I remember lots of goofing off and laughter. I also remember not knowing that you never say 'good luck' to actors and when I did the first night of the play, everyone totally freaked out, I was so devastated.) I'm doing it so I can be with Dan and Zack. (c'mon, is anyone really even a little bit shocked about this revelation? You certainly weren't doing it for the hard work or fun since you don't seem to be able to do anything that doesn't involve a boy) Zack is a great friend and I know I can trust him. I don't know Dan very well but I sort of like him. (what, you aren't in love already?) He's funny but I know I don't have any chance whatsoever. But I can keep dreaming can't I? (oh please do, dream away little girl) I think I'm probably going to start smoking again. (did I seriously spend time making that decision? Why oh why did I choose so wrong? Look annoying little girl, you deciding to do that has made for a lifetime struggle for me. Thanks.) I'll watch it and I'll try not to get addicted (I'm making sarcastic snorting noises here) but I just want to. Kevin might get me some if I ask him. Kian might too but I don't want Kian to know I smoke because he might tell Mom and Baba. (my poor big brother. He walked the line between being the cool older brother and not letting me get into too much trouble quite well)


See you soon for another installment of my annoying teenage self!

16th and 17th entries

Yup, now that I'm 40 I have so much more wisdom to impart on my teenage self.

     16th entry  10-28-88
    
     Mom and Baba came home last night. They gave me a whole bunch of stuff. It was really cool. (that is all you have to say?! At  least describe the cool stuff and give me more to make fun of for god's sake!)

That is apparently all I had to say that day. Teenagers are so annoying!

     17th entry  11-1-88

     Well last night was Halloween. It was pretty dull. I just sat around. I get all the junk left over. So I don't mind. S and I broke up (finally! Wait, are you sure? Is he going to just pop back up in two days? Please let this be the end. I'm sick of myself at this point) but we are still good friends. I miss Scott. (of course you do, what would you do all day if you didn't spend time obsessing over a boy?) I haven't spoken to him in ages. He's such a great friend. He always helps me when I'm upset so I try to do the same.
     (this next part is so embarrassing that I almost omitted it but there wouldn't be any fun in this if I wasn't truly embarrassed. The worst part is I don't even know why it feels so embarrassing) I found a new creek by my house. It's the same one as the creek by Burns. (we had lived in a house that backed to a creek and I remember spending hours and hours down there by myself. It was pretty cool because the people who owned the house before us had lived there for like 50 years and used to throw their junk in the creek so I was always finding cool shit like old bottles. There was even the frame of an old roadster down there. Anyway..) It's my creek. It's really pretty there. I don't think I'd ever take anyone I know there. (because it isn't public property or anything, yes you own the entire creek) I can only think of 1 or 2 people (so that would be someone, wouldn't it?) who would really appreciate its beauty. Brian Zimmerman (what is my obsession with this poor guy?), Arjang, and maybe Dan Rawlinson (sorry to Dan but I can't even imagine why I added him to the list and not one of my closest friends or cousins like Neda or Iris) But only Arjang could ever go there. I doubt Brian or Dan would ever go anywhere with me. (probably because you are a fucking crazy teenager and they are hoping they don't end up in your blog one day)


So I wonder who the hell will be at the center of my w

14th entry 10-26-88

The saga continues my friends and faithful readers!


     YUCK!! English is driving me CRAZY. OH-WELL! ( I wish I had some idea of why..) It seems as though things might work between S and I. (Christ, really? just when I had some hope for you) Just when I had made up my mind to break up with him, it seems ok (no! Don't get sucked back in!)  but what about tomorrow? What if it only goes for one day and then we fight again? I don't think I can take it. (then break up with him you fool) 'What if' keeps going through my mind. (yeah, I hate to tell you this but get used to it, you tend to spend most of your life wasting time on what ifs)

And just because I made you wait so long..

15th entry  10-27-88
     My parents come home today. GOD, has it really been a whole month? It doesn't seem like it. (yeah and you clearly wasted it. I didn't see one thing about party or I got away with it) Brian Zimmerman is giving up in English. He's a really smart guy but now that Mr. Sluga (dude, Mr. Sluga was awesome!) isn't here he seems to think it's not worth his time. I'm trying to get him to do his work but I don't think I'm as effective as Mr. Sluga was. (funny thing is I totally remember this time frame. Mr. Sluga was this great teacher who left right after the year started and it really bummed me out. I have no idea who replaced him but I remember being really upset. It kind of hurt that a teacher would bail on his students) I don't know why I care but I do. He just seems like a nice guy and I want to help. Mrs. Mangels isn't going to do him a bit of good. (wow, apparently Mrs. Mangels is who replaced Mr. Sluga and clearly I did NOT like her) She won't try to help him she'll just get mad at him for not doing his work. (was I guessing or is this what was happening?) He needs pushed into doing his work but I'm not so sure I should be the one doing the pushing. (ya think?)


So what the heck happened with S? I didn't even mention him in the last entry. Is that how quickly I moved on or was I just so bummed about Mr. Sluga and Brian Zimmerman? Guess we'll find out soon...

13th entry 10-25-88

Is it possible? Have we reached the exciting conclusion of my saga with S? Well folks, let's take a look and find out.

     I had a nice long talk with Dan today. (Wish I had bothered to put his last name. Dan who?) It was fun. He's a great guy. S and I aren't going to last. I'll probably break up with him tomorrow. (I'm pretty sure from what I have read that you may already be broken up) He's driving me crazy. Zack told me today that S told him that he likes somebody else. How could he ever say he loved me? (I'm not really feeling the anguish here that one would expect from a silly teenager who has been saying things like 'He is too important to me') When I say that, I mean it. (yeah and you'll mean it a whole lot more in your lifetime) I still care about S but I can't take this shit anymore. Scott told me I should break up with him for my own sanity. (Sadly, sanity and I have never really known one another) I'm beginning to believe it. He's being AN ASSHOLE! (yes, for some reason I capitalized 'an' as well) I never talk to him anymore. (another clue that perhaps you have already broken up) It's becoming bad for both of us. (I doubt that, I suspect he is happy to be rid of you) I cried a lot over the weekend about this but I know what I must do. It's over. :'(   (Yes, I did actually draw a sad face with tears. I had no idea I invented emoticons!) I just have to square my shoulders and go on with my life. (Christ, where the hell do I get all these clichés?) There will be other. (so very many of them) I've decided not to go to the formal. After all this, I don't deserve to go. I failed S. (oh for fuck's sake woman..the drama! I totally wasn't even into soap operas, where did I get all this drama?) I suppose I could have held on but it's not worth it. 2 days left until Mom and Baba come home. I'm really happy. I miss them a lot! (really? I missed my parents? I totally don't remember that)


Well ladies and gents, it looks like I have finally given up on S..or have I?

11th entry 10-20-88 and 12th entry 10-21-88

Yes folks, I have returned with yet another chapter in my high school diary saga. Enjoy my embarrassment.

     THINGS REALLY aren't going too well. (yeah, for some reason I felt the need to capitalize both words) S is ignoring my pleas for a talk. He's talking to me now but he's acting as though nothing is wrong. (guess what, it'll prepare you for your future) I agree with what Zack said but I can't talk to S if he won't listen. What's going on? I've got to do something before it all falls apart. I won't let that happen. (sorry sweetie, totally beyond your control but you get an A for effort) It's too important to me. (for those of you who have been following along you'll understand why I say 'Jesus woman, we get that part already!') I have a feeling that he needs me. Sort of like a sixth sense. (oh god, what the hell was I reading at the time? I totally must have gotten that from some book) I have to just tell him a few things then maybe it'll all work out. ( I'm dying to know what those few things were. I didn't bother to tell them to myself)
     North and South has been on tv recently. I'm really into it. It's a pretty intense movie. (I'm guessing I was just really into Patrick Swayze but then again, I was a huge fan of Gone With the Wind so maybe I was just really into the misery of the Civil War)


10-21-88 (Friday)

For some reason this one time I needed to put the day of the week down too. Who knows why but enjoy.

     10:30am I'm on the verge of tears right now. S is growing too distant. I don't have any idea what's happening (we've established this already) He won't come near me anymore. (I'm guessing he has broken up with you, he just hasn't bothered to tell you yet) He doesn't seem to care anylonger. (yes, one word apparently) HELP ME! (oh honey, if only you were smart enough to help yourself)


Stay tuned for the 13th entry and possible conclusion to the S drama!

10th entry 10-19-88

Here comes the next one folks. Spelling errors and all.

     It's not working! S seems to be growing further and further away. More and more distant. Zack said I should talk to him but every time I try he walks away. Zack also said that S mentioned something about the fact that I hang around too many guys but that can't be true. I spend all my time with him. The jealousy bit doesn't fit him. I don't understand what's happening. I don't seem to have any control over my life anymore, I just let things happen. (welcome to being a teenager) GOD! I kneed (yes, I spelled it that way) help! I feel crazy sometimes, like I just might let go. (let go of what?) I feel like giving up on S but I can't. I know he cares but why does he lie to me? The stories and lies are driving me mad. What can I do? If he won't talk to me or let me talk to him then.....? I just want his trust. You can't love someone you don't trust. RIGHT? I can't go on forever like this. What if this is it? I don't want to live without him. (oh the drama woman!) I do care too much. I never thought there was such a thing as caring too much but I've done it. (oh yay, what an achievement!) I just can't stop. I've never stopped caring about anyone, nor will I. (just you wait toots)
     My parents return in less than a week. Well actually it is a week. WOW! They've been gone almost a month already. It sure hasn't felt like it. I sort of miss them. I've had fun though. I probably still will. They've been cool lately. It's good.

I like how I ended it like that. It's good. I'm clearly the predecessor to 'It's all good'. I also think it is funny that I wrote that I'd probably still have fun. I wonder if I had any odds on that one.

8th entry - 10-14-88

Here we go folks, the next chapter in my little high school saga ~

     What a beautiful day! It's a bit cloudy and rainy but other than that it's beautiful! Nothing could ruin my day except, of course, S. (a bit of foreshadowing maybe?) I know he really cares about me. I'm really happy. I'm really high today, higher than I ever could be on acid. Ha ha.  (yes, sadly I had a love affair with acid in high school. Probably not the best thing but hey, these days kids are doing meth and that is way worse) I feel really guilty though. I haven't written to Arj in a long time. He's written to me a lot but I haven't bothered to send anything I've written. Horrible! Yuck! (yes, I actually wrote that) I should send one this weekend. If I don't I'll feel really bad.
     It's FRIDAY! I get to go home this weekend. I hope Kian will let me go to S's again. He probably will, he's pretty cool about that stuff. He's been letting me do just about anything. The only thing he's said 'no' to is a party but I didn't really want to have one anyway. (this is true. I was never really into having parties. It seemed like it would be far too much effort for the trouble I might have gotten in to. Not to mention the fact that anytime I did anything wrong, I always got caught) It would be too much of a risk. (see) They aren't that much fun anyway. I'm having a blast on the weekends with just Kian and Terri by going to movies and stuff. (I've always loved my big brother. Hanging out with him was totally the highlight of my life) I'm almost out of money though. I really have to get some more. Mom and Baba owe me about $50.00 for watering the house (they had a vacant house that they were trying to sell and I was getting paid to go over there and water the yard. I highly doubt they would have paid me to water our own yard but who knows..) By the time they get back it'll be at about $98.00. (about 98? About is more like 95 or 100 but 98 is pretty specific kid) I'm really happy. (yes, so you've mentioned) The year looks really promising. I've got a wonderful boyfriend, I'm doing pretty good (not well, good) in my classes, I've got money, my parents and I are getting along, and everything is just great. (little smiley face drawn at this point)

And just because I've made you all wait to long..here is the next entry.

9th entry  - 10/17/88

     I think S is mad at me for some reason or something else is wrong. He's seems (yes, I totally used he's and seems) sort of detached lately, distant. It's weird. Before he always wanted to hold me or touch me or just be near me and not it seems as though he could care less. I suppose I should talk to him about it but what if he won't talk to me? (honey, this is a clear indication that it is over. Boys don't talk. They pull away. You will experience this a lot in your life, get used to it.) What if he lies? I know he's hiding something from me but what? Why should he hide anything? (oh, poor you. you have no idea what you are in for in life) I'm willing to take everything and anything. I want to help if possible. (boys don't want help. ever.) He seems to think he's crazy. I disagree. (yes, because you are such an expert.) Neda told me that he tells people stories to get attention. He told me that some of his friends have died but I asked his best friend and he said it wasn't true. Why would he lie? What's the point? (he is trying to get away from you without actually being the one to break up, just sayin) I can't figure it out. One minute he tells me he loves me and the next he barely seems to notice me. What can it be?
     So many questions and no answers. S H I T!! (I actually had little triangles at the bottom of my exclamation points. what was that all about?) I don't want to lose him and if I can help it, I won't. He's too important. But how can I tell him how important he is? (oh probably by being all clingy and asking him what is wrong every ten seconds. I'd start there)
    

7th entry - 10-13-88

For my wonderful and amazing followers..here is the next entry in my embarrassing freshman year diary. I have a huge spiral bound notebook that I know occupied most of my high school life and I cannot find it which is vexing me. I've searched the basement, the storage unit, my random unpacked boxes from the move, and no. It is hiding. I'm hoping to locate it before I run out of pages in this one...

     Something bizarre is going on. Neda said that a lot of people have been saying S is crazy but I didn't  listen. Today S started telling me he's crazy and that he's totally uncontrollable at times. He said he's honestly worried about hurting me someday. I trust him completely but he sounded scared. I'm prepared to stick by him and help him if he ever needs anything. (God, there are times I just want to go back and smack myself for being young and stupid and idealistic) The weird part is people who at first were opposed to us are now wishing us luck, and people who were happy at first are telling me to watch myself now. I'm really confused. (No honey, you are just young and stupid) I'm not leaving S for anything. (except for maybe one of 6 other guys you've mentioned in the past week) When I care about someone it is for life. (No. Really no.) I'm not giving up even if I have to fight forever. (Someone should have taken the medieval novels away from me) I'm sick of giving up things in my life. (Like what? Phone privileges? Allowance?) From now on I'm keeping everything. (This could be the beginning of 'Hoarders Confessional' but then again, I did keep all my damned diaries) S is really important to me. (Until next week) Just when I kneeded (yes, I actually spelled it that way. How did I get good grades in English?!) somebody to lean on, he appeared. Now I have what I need so I'm going to give him what he needs. (not kneeds?) He mentioned that he saw a phsyc (I'm guessing I was shortening Psychiatrist because I couldn't fucking spell it) for a while but he doesn't think it helped. (No kneed to pay any attention to red flags) I think even he thinks he is crazy. (again, red flag my dear) Maybe he is but I don't care. (maybe I'm crazy too...) Nothings going to stop this. ( Suddenly I want to sing 'Aint nothing gonna breaka my stride, nothings gonna slow me down, oh no, got to keep on movin)

That's all for now folks. I have to remain stingy until I locate the giant green spiral bound notebook because what I have next to me only covers the next two months.

October 11, 1988

A minor back story on this one. In my second entry, which I skipped here because it was mainly about John Lennon's birthday and how sad it was that he wasn't alive and it was pretty boring, I ended with the fact that I had been asked to the winter formal by a friend named Zack Grey. (Poor guy, I feel really bad that I can't remember him. I'm sure he was a super nice person and deserves remembering) So the saga continues...

     5th entry -
     Well today was really screwed. I was in a good mood this morning but Zack told S about the formal and S got really pissed. I meant to tell him myself today but Zack beat me to it. God I felt really horrible. (the word really was underlined three times!) For a while I thought I had lost S. If that had happened... I told Zack that I couldn't go with him and he said he understood but I still felt bad. Zack is my friend but I really care about S. I really wanted to start crying a couple of times. I have something this good right here in the palm of my hands (yes, one palm but multiple hands) and I almost screwed it up. I have to watch it, I can't lose S. It's too important to me! (Notice I say 'It' is too important to me and not 'He'. Apparently it was the relationship and not the person that mattered to me.) God! Why am I so emotional? (because you are a teenage girl my silly dear self) I wish I wasn't. Then things wouldn't be so hard for me in life. (oh honey, you have no idea. It just gets worse from here for quite a long while) OH HELL. From now on I'll just love S with all my heart and smile a lot. (I like the smile a lot part. Somehow that just adds to it)


The funny part of all this to me is that just 6 days earlier I was talking about Jesse and Frank and A and now I seem to have forgotten all about them. Good lord, no wonder I wasn't doing well in math. Who had time to worry about Algebra?

And just because I can.. the next entry.

     6th entry -      10-12-88
     All my life people have come and gone. Grandparents, teachers, friends, boyfriends (clearly plural), family, and strangers. It used to affect me greatly. First my Grandfather died and I hadn't gotten much of a chance to know him. At the time it didn't bother me much because I was only 5 years old and I hadn't seen him since I was 4. Now it seems to bother me a lot more than it should. Friends, people I've come to trust and care about, have left me. That always hurt. I am a very loving and caring person. I can be hurt more than I ever thought I could, by just one person. (where the hell is all this going?) The worst was always when a boyfriend and I broke up. I get so attached to people, I suppose it isn't good but I can't help it. I trust and love people so easily that they can hurt me by just turning their back. Lately I've grown accustomed to people leaving. It doesn't bother me as much but now I'm starting to be afraid again. 'What if' always goes through my mind. I have begun to wonder what I would do if S and I break up. I've really started to fall in love with him, or at least as close to love as I've ever been. (since last week at least) I know it should be the furthest thing from my mind but I just seem to think about it and then I'm terrified all over again. I kneed (yes, awful misspell here) somebody to lean on, security. I just like to be assured that I'm loved and I'm happy. I know I'll solve my problems someday but until then....
(the I changed to a different pen and wrote the following)
This last entry I wrote as though I've stepped outside myself and looked back on my life. (not really, it was all first person and in the moment idiot) It was weird seeing myself as somebody else would see me. I ought to try it more often. (oh please don't. Please)

As a teaser..the next entry starts with 'Something bizarre is going on'  I wonder what I thought was bizarre back then.

 

Oct. 9, 1988

Yup Ladies and Gents, there is more. After your wonderful reception of my last diary entry, I can't help but post more. Here is my 3rd diary entry. It actually says that. 3rd entry - (why the hell was I keeping count?) I skipped the 2nd entry because I went on and on about it being John Lennon's bday and it was really boring. The only highlight is that some guy named Zach asked me to the winter formal. But I sort of glossed over that bit. You'd think it would have merited a bit more attention.

     Well I have a new boyfriend. (bear in mind this is only 4 days after my last post where I couldn't decide between getting engaged and 2 other guys I liked or maybe even loved) His name is S (I did write his entire name but since I am friends with him on Facebook, I thought I'd save him and mostly me the embarrassment). I met him Friday and I went over to his house on Saterday (yes, I couldn't spell days of the week apparently). We kissed for about an hour and a half then I had to go. I babysat Kendra last night. (I have no idea who Kendra is anymore) Golly she sure can get on a person's nerves. I had one nerve when I woke up this morning and she got on it. Anyway. I really like S. Maybe love. (oh for fuck's sake, really Mitra??) He writes poetry too. He read me some. It is quite beautiful. So is he. Yesterday he told me I was beautiful. he was the first besides my parents and relatives. Even Scott never said that to me. I thought I love him but I suppose I did a lot of growing up over the summer and he didn't. He told me he loves me still but at the time he was together with Jenny. how anybody can do something like that is beyond me. I don't really talk to him anymore. I'm too tired to finish. (finish? It is a diary silly little girl. There is no end... )

And just for fun..here is the next entry. Titled 4th entry. Oct. 10 1988

     I'm writing earlier than usual but Neda and I were supposed to go to Vallco (yeah baby! Vallco, the place to be back in 1988) today but she went without me. I'm really upset. I was looking forward to going because I wanted to buy the piano notes for 'Forever Young' now I have to wait until somebody else wants to go. Maybe I'll take the bus on Sunday. If I'm not at S's. I'd much rather be with him. I think I'm falling in love or close to it. (here we go again) It all happened so quickly. I didn't have much of a chance to think. I'm not embarrassed to kiss him in public which I was with Scott and I really believed I loved him. S has just swept me off my feet. He's so much the gentleman. He's also a romantic. Just like me. I'm really happy about this whole thing. I was feeling quite negative for a while but now the whole world looks very positive for me. I'm getting along with my parents now, I'm in love, and I have everything I need. What more could I ask for? (how about some common sense?) So long as one has love thy have all they'll ever need, for love is the essence of life. (oh do shut up! Please!)
     School is going ok. Math isn't really hard but I'm not doing very well (who am I lying to here? Math was always fucking hard! I sucked at it!) I think I might be getting a C in there. I really wanted an A or B in everything. (who is this girl? Since when did I care about getting decent grades? I truly have no memory of this time in my life..) I'm trying hard though. (I highly doubt it) I have done all my work, I just don't do very good on tests. I try but I make dumb mistakes. I'm thinking of asking my parents for a tutor. (heeheehee, I said tooter. For those of you who see me often, you know I call my female dog's privates her tooter)  I'm really worried. I guess I'll just have to work harder. These days it seems as though that's almost all I do but oh well (um no, you pretty much only think of boys you nitwit!) So long as I'm happy I could care less how hard I work. Love does that to a person. Weird. I'll have to think about that. (oh yes, you go right on ahead and do that)

Stay tuned folks.. I skipped ahead and the 5th entry features a MAJOR life altering dilemma about choosing between two boys!

Being Mortified isn't all that bad

     Last night I was watching a show on Netflix called Mortified: Angst Written. I laughed and I cried a little bit but mostly I laughed. It was a documentary type thing about a show that is actually produced around the U.S. and, apparently, in Sweden. Go ABBA! It is basically, from what I understand, various people reading their teenage diaries. So rad. So very rad. Of course, I was inspired to dig out all my old journals, random 'poems', letters, etc. I'm a sentimental sort so there is quite a ton of it. I was going to go back to the very first one but then I realized that my Mom had given it back to me recently and said she had a good laugh reading it. Talk about mortified. I only read the first page before I wanted to find a small hole to die in. And since I can't find it anywhere, I'm guessing my mortified self hid it. So we are moving on to 1988. My first year of high school. I sure do hope the folks who produce the show don't mind me stealing the amazingly good idea.
     I'm going to just write word for word what I wrote all those years ago but I'll interject my grown up opinions, thoughts, commentary, etc. in parentheses which will often lead to rambling run on sentences but ought to be fun none the less. God, this is going to be so embarrassing...

P.S. some names will be left as capital letters only to protect the poor souls that were a part of my teenage life and in reality, to protect some bit of that poor young girls future self. Me


October 5, 1988

    Writing a journal is new to me. To have a place to write down all my thoughts and feelings will be nice. I've thought about keeping one for a while now but today I finally decided to. (well clearly) I suppose since Jesse is the biggest part of my thoughts these days I'll write about him. I feel as though I really love him. I worry about him constantly. (This was my first boyfriend from 5th grade. Was I seriously still obsessing about him?! Jeesus! And I worried about him constantly??) What will happen to him? He doesn't seem to want to do much with his life. He was doing drugs for a while (I'm guessing he smoked weed but back then, that was a big deal) but Brian has seemed to get him off of it but now supposedly he is selling them. (WTF Mitra? This is who you worried about?) I don't know if that is true but I wrote him a long letter telling him I still love him and he can always count on me. (Yes Ladies and Gents, a letter) I guess he's going to write back. I'm going to ask Kian if he can spend the night Saturday night. (My parents were on a month long trip to Europe at this time and I spent the week nights at my cousin's house but my brother, who was in college, came home for the weekends and I pretty much got to do teenage things that my folks wouldn't let me do if they had known)
     (yes, I wrote in paragraphs) The next thing on my mind lately is A. I love him very, very much. He has recently asked me to get engaged. (Yes, engaged. This will play out over time) I know I have to say no but how will he take it? I have torn feelings about it myself. I feel as though 14 is too young. (Ya think?) So many guys will be coming and going in my life for the next 5-7 years (5-7 honey? Try 20 years!) I can't be sure my feelings for him won't change. But then again, I do love him. (clearly I had a lot of love to go around) Why does it have to be so tough?
     Now I'm working on Frank. (Christ, did I ever do homework? Or eat?) I do like him. I can't go so far as to say love but I like him. How do I let him know? I guess I'll figure out a way. I always do.

SLFN (so long for now) (I was totally ahead of my time with the LOL and TTYL and ROTFL)


Stay tuned folks, I have a lot of this crap and it could take me a long time to get through. Beyond that, it will also likely inspire some other random ramblings from my head.