So, I was on Facebook earlier and was inspired to write this by my stepson's grandmother's post. (Is that way too confusing?) It was a tampon commercial for little girls which sort of blew me away and I'm not sure if it is even real but whatever, it still made me remember this insanely awkward moment of my life.
Flash back to when I was about 15. I'm in high school, I've had my period now for about 4 years. I have had to always use these giant, huge, I mean gargantuan, pads because they are what my mother bought and put in my bathroom. At that age, in that time, a young girl did not go into Longs or Payless and buy her own stuff. First of all, there wasn't any way I was spending my allowance on that but second of all, please. The embarrassment is something I can empathize with even now. That isn't to say I can't buy my own now because I'm embarrassed, I just mean that I can so feel the embarrassment that would have come had I done so back then. Oh, nevermind. Back to the topic at hand. In our P.E. class (for those of you who are young and going to modern day school, that is Physical Education class) we had to wear these really short, tight, polyester shorts that hugged every curve. Maybe that isn't true but that is how it felt in my mind. On the days when I had my period, I used to dread with every bit of my being, I mean this was a source of true angst, having to put on those damned shorts and do cherry pickers in P.E. Any sort of bending at the waist really. It was all enough to send me into a state of such anxiety I would need at least the rest of the month to recover. I just knew that anyone with a last name that was alphabetically behind mine was looking right at the outline of this 1960's hospital sized pad wedged between my legs. My current car, a Mini, is smaller than this thing. I swear it.
I finally mustered the courage to ask my mom to buy me tampons. I had heard about them but never seen one. I tried my best to act all knowledgeable and confident about them when I asked but I'm guessing I came off really nervous. Sadly, the woman was living in the Paleolithic era. Also, much to my dismay, she felt the need to consult my dad with her limited knowledge and leave the final decision up to him. Um. W.T.F???
Then comes the day when we had all gone up to Berkeley to visit my brother in his college environment. The freeway speed limit was still 55 MPH at the time. Just a moment to reflect on that please. The stretch of the 880 between Berkeley and the 280 North is the time frame we are talking about here. Then the area between the 280 N and Saratoga Av. The time, in my memory, is still endless. As a matter of fact, it is still happening somewhere in some universe. I swear it. We had just gotten on the road, I'm a typical 15 year old impatiently waiting until we are home and I can go to my room and listen to music that illustrates the wretched life I believe I live, when my father pounced. Those of you who have been at the receiving end of Merdad's wrath are probably cringing right now. I know I am. He waits, he takes his time, then he comes at you all calm and disappointed as though his life is so much worse for having had to be your father. Catholics could learn a lot about guilt from Iranians. Back to the moment.
Here I was with at least an hour left in the car with them up front and me in the back seat hoping a good song would come on the radio. I didn't have a Walkman. My dad actually opened his visor so he could see my reaction when he said the following 'Your mother tells me you want to start using tampons'. Yes. He did say that. I promise I could never forget that moment. I've tried. If I could have thrown up, died, and disappeared at the same time it wouldn't not have gotten me far enough from that car. (I just realized that some of you might have had the type of relationship with your father that would have made sense of this, but no, I did not. Absolutely.) I'm not sure of the exact words I managed to squeak out but I think they were most likely something like 'Yes' and then in my head 'oh god why am I not dead yet? Please let a giant truck hit us now. Now. NOW!! God, you are an asshole.' Next thing out of his mouth was 'I thought you couldn't use those if you were still a virgin.'
Oh Jesus, really? There have been a few moments in my life where I have thought to myself 'What kind of horrible jerk was I in my past life?'. This was one of them. 'Baba, I am a virgin. You can use them anyway. They taught us that in health class.' Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Why isn't this over yet?? His reply (at this point things get kind of fuzzy because I probably did die for a few minutes) 'I'll ask Packtoman (his doctor, Iranian, also male) and I'll let you know.'
I am honestly amazed that I ever made it out of those stupid 1960's pads. There is a part of me that worries that my mom still uses them except for her being old enough not to need them and the fact that if she did, it would serve her right. Her punishment for deferring her lack of knowledge onto my father, his doctor, and my poor unsuspecting self, should be to have to use those things until the end of time!!
P.S. To all the young ladies out there, yes you can use a tampon when still a virgin. There is no way to make having your period less awkward when you are in high school so just tough it out. The bonus of tampons is that you can swim with them, they don't show through your shorts, they fit in your purse, they are made in many sizes, and if for some reason your mom wants your dad to talk to you about it... call me!
