October 11, 1988

A minor back story on this one. In my second entry, which I skipped here because it was mainly about John Lennon's birthday and how sad it was that he wasn't alive and it was pretty boring, I ended with the fact that I had been asked to the winter formal by a friend named Zack Grey. (Poor guy, I feel really bad that I can't remember him. I'm sure he was a super nice person and deserves remembering) So the saga continues...

     5th entry -
     Well today was really screwed. I was in a good mood this morning but Zack told S about the formal and S got really pissed. I meant to tell him myself today but Zack beat me to it. God I felt really horrible. (the word really was underlined three times!) For a while I thought I had lost S. If that had happened... I told Zack that I couldn't go with him and he said he understood but I still felt bad. Zack is my friend but I really care about S. I really wanted to start crying a couple of times. I have something this good right here in the palm of my hands (yes, one palm but multiple hands) and I almost screwed it up. I have to watch it, I can't lose S. It's too important to me! (Notice I say 'It' is too important to me and not 'He'. Apparently it was the relationship and not the person that mattered to me.) God! Why am I so emotional? (because you are a teenage girl my silly dear self) I wish I wasn't. Then things wouldn't be so hard for me in life. (oh honey, you have no idea. It just gets worse from here for quite a long while) OH HELL. From now on I'll just love S with all my heart and smile a lot. (I like the smile a lot part. Somehow that just adds to it)


The funny part of all this to me is that just 6 days earlier I was talking about Jesse and Frank and A and now I seem to have forgotten all about them. Good lord, no wonder I wasn't doing well in math. Who had time to worry about Algebra?

And just because I can.. the next entry.

     6th entry -      10-12-88
     All my life people have come and gone. Grandparents, teachers, friends, boyfriends (clearly plural), family, and strangers. It used to affect me greatly. First my Grandfather died and I hadn't gotten much of a chance to know him. At the time it didn't bother me much because I was only 5 years old and I hadn't seen him since I was 4. Now it seems to bother me a lot more than it should. Friends, people I've come to trust and care about, have left me. That always hurt. I am a very loving and caring person. I can be hurt more than I ever thought I could, by just one person. (where the hell is all this going?) The worst was always when a boyfriend and I broke up. I get so attached to people, I suppose it isn't good but I can't help it. I trust and love people so easily that they can hurt me by just turning their back. Lately I've grown accustomed to people leaving. It doesn't bother me as much but now I'm starting to be afraid again. 'What if' always goes through my mind. I have begun to wonder what I would do if S and I break up. I've really started to fall in love with him, or at least as close to love as I've ever been. (since last week at least) I know it should be the furthest thing from my mind but I just seem to think about it and then I'm terrified all over again. I kneed (yes, awful misspell here) somebody to lean on, security. I just like to be assured that I'm loved and I'm happy. I know I'll solve my problems someday but until then....
(the I changed to a different pen and wrote the following)
This last entry I wrote as though I've stepped outside myself and looked back on my life. (not really, it was all first person and in the moment idiot) It was weird seeing myself as somebody else would see me. I ought to try it more often. (oh please don't. Please)

As a teaser..the next entry starts with 'Something bizarre is going on'  I wonder what I thought was bizarre back then.