Why aren't there any songs?

  I'm trying to get away from all the sadness I had last year but here is one I started and then left alone thinking it was too much, not light enough for you my dear readers. However, I did write it and did feel it and since then have lost 2 more of my amazing furbabies so it is time for this to see the light of day. This was written shortly after Monkey died and I was so broken. So desperate to find something to soothe me.

   You let me down. You weren't supposed to die first. You weren't supposed to make me feel so sad or hurt so much. I was so wrapped up in how to let you go in the easiest way possible that I forgot to worry about how I was going to feel after you were gone. In the past, breaking up with someone made me turn to music and I made mixes or fixated on the same song over and over until I had cried myself out but with you, that doesn't exist. There are no songs for breaking up with your baby. Dog, cat, human, or otherwise. I've searched all my cds, my itunes, my brain, listened intently to every song on the radio but nothing speaks of you. I don't even have the words. I've never been at such a loss.
     To say I miss you is ridiculous. I can't convey to anyone what I'm missing. You aren't here, you aren't present in any way. You don't take up space in my life anymore. You don't annoy me, you don't warm me, you don't follow me, you don't worry me, you don't protect me, you don't need me. I'm more alone than I ever concieved. I thought that somehow you would find me, still follow me or show me you were ok. There is no you anymore. Instead I have to struggle with what to do with your remains.

To bathe or not to bathe

Just how much is a bath worth to me? I feel like the universe is telling me to find a way to take a good long soak. And I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean metaphorically. I only believe it means literally because I just spend the afternoon with a cousin and aunt I haven't more than 3-4 times in the past two decades (hard to believe since I seem to have cousins coming out of the woodwork at my house) and in the course of catching up we covered so many topics. Wine, the need for larger and much more clumsy friendly glasses, why one can't crate train a child, the need for cocktail lounges at the hospital, ketchup, firemen casseroles, and freakishly shallow tubs that don't cover even the smallest of boobs no matter how you position your legs. 2012 treated me like shit and left me feeling used, angry, and sort of like someone who just doesn't bathe. Crusty, covered in a fine layer of caked on dust, frustrated at the things coming out of my belly button. Is it weird to say I enjoyed an afternoon at the hospital waiting to see if my uncle made it through his triple bypass? Well, I'm not known for normal so don't pretend to be shocked. Once the good news came down the pipe I found myself on the way home actively searching for a conversation with my mom as I knew it would get me through the traffic of The City and at least halfway home without my needing to even grunt occasionally. The conversation ended? with me inviting myself along to spend the weekend with my mom and Aunt PJ (one of the most fun and accepting humans on earth) in Solvang. There is a casino involved. Penny slots baby! Oops, sidetrack. So I decide to go and check the hotel site for a room and find myself staring at the second nicest room, the one with a tub, and say to myself 'self, you need a bath'. Now, for those of you who have been paying attention, you know that the thought of taking a bath is, for me, sort of along the lines of going to the dentist or flogging myself and then showering in lemon juice. Unholy at best. But as I sit here staring at the other window on my computer showing the room options, I think that maybe this is the way to say 'goodbye 2012 you wretched evil bitch, and please take a moment to let the door hit you in the ass on the way out'. Nevermind the fact that we did go out for New Year's Eve for the first time in 3 years as my farewell to 2012. That doesn't count because it already happened and this is in the future. There is a shower with two shower heads and a deep soaking tub. Otherwise, there is nothing extra about the room I need. A patio (I don't smoke anymore), a sitting area (I'm not sharing the room or inviting anyone for tea), a view (I'll take a hike when I get home). So the cost difference boils down to how much I want to spend for the privilege of taking a bath. Or two as then I can split the cost difference between two baths and thus feel less guilty. I'd bring bath salts and bubble bath, really make the most of having access to a bathtub. A book, glass of wine, snacks. The real question I have to ask myself is 'self, will you spend more than 10 uneasy minutes in the tub? Be honest self, you will most likely draw the bath, drop in the bubbles, climb in, then spend the entire 10 minutes trying to ignore the fact that there is a drain in the tub with you'. So what do I do? Stay tuned...