Being Mortified isn't all that bad

     Last night I was watching a show on Netflix called Mortified: Angst Written. I laughed and I cried a little bit but mostly I laughed. It was a documentary type thing about a show that is actually produced around the U.S. and, apparently, in Sweden. Go ABBA! It is basically, from what I understand, various people reading their teenage diaries. So rad. So very rad. Of course, I was inspired to dig out all my old journals, random 'poems', letters, etc. I'm a sentimental sort so there is quite a ton of it. I was going to go back to the very first one but then I realized that my Mom had given it back to me recently and said she had a good laugh reading it. Talk about mortified. I only read the first page before I wanted to find a small hole to die in. And since I can't find it anywhere, I'm guessing my mortified self hid it. So we are moving on to 1988. My first year of high school. I sure do hope the folks who produce the show don't mind me stealing the amazingly good idea.
     I'm going to just write word for word what I wrote all those years ago but I'll interject my grown up opinions, thoughts, commentary, etc. in parentheses which will often lead to rambling run on sentences but ought to be fun none the less. God, this is going to be so embarrassing...

P.S. some names will be left as capital letters only to protect the poor souls that were a part of my teenage life and in reality, to protect some bit of that poor young girls future self. Me


October 5, 1988

    Writing a journal is new to me. To have a place to write down all my thoughts and feelings will be nice. I've thought about keeping one for a while now but today I finally decided to. (well clearly) I suppose since Jesse is the biggest part of my thoughts these days I'll write about him. I feel as though I really love him. I worry about him constantly. (This was my first boyfriend from 5th grade. Was I seriously still obsessing about him?! Jeesus! And I worried about him constantly??) What will happen to him? He doesn't seem to want to do much with his life. He was doing drugs for a while (I'm guessing he smoked weed but back then, that was a big deal) but Brian has seemed to get him off of it but now supposedly he is selling them. (WTF Mitra? This is who you worried about?) I don't know if that is true but I wrote him a long letter telling him I still love him and he can always count on me. (Yes Ladies and Gents, a letter) I guess he's going to write back. I'm going to ask Kian if he can spend the night Saturday night. (My parents were on a month long trip to Europe at this time and I spent the week nights at my cousin's house but my brother, who was in college, came home for the weekends and I pretty much got to do teenage things that my folks wouldn't let me do if they had known)
     (yes, I wrote in paragraphs) The next thing on my mind lately is A. I love him very, very much. He has recently asked me to get engaged. (Yes, engaged. This will play out over time) I know I have to say no but how will he take it? I have torn feelings about it myself. I feel as though 14 is too young. (Ya think?) So many guys will be coming and going in my life for the next 5-7 years (5-7 honey? Try 20 years!) I can't be sure my feelings for him won't change. But then again, I do love him. (clearly I had a lot of love to go around) Why does it have to be so tough?
     Now I'm working on Frank. (Christ, did I ever do homework? Or eat?) I do like him. I can't go so far as to say love but I like him. How do I let him know? I guess I'll figure out a way. I always do.

SLFN (so long for now) (I was totally ahead of my time with the LOL and TTYL and ROTFL)


Stay tuned folks, I have a lot of this crap and it could take me a long time to get through. Beyond that, it will also likely inspire some other random ramblings from my head.