As i know it

I've said it before. I've been pretty open about it. I've sounded like I knew what I was doing. I thought I had a handle on it. It found a way to sneak up on me though. I have a good life. Things are mostly ok here. And yet, Depression located my hiding place. It hunted me down. I truly thought that after all these years that I was safe. I must have let my guard down. Stupid, stupid me. I know how this has affected me before. I know how devastated I have been. How hard hit. How much pain has found me despite my cries of 'unfair!'. How many times I have curled up like a child at the back of a dark corner of the house begging Depression to leave me alone? The people in my life say that they are here for me, that I can call anytime and they truly mean it. What they don't get is that I can't make that kind of rational decision when Depression has wrapped around me. Imagine a bat, but a massive one, one that sucks the life out of you but not figuratively, literally. Each part of it that touches you leeks a portion of you away. I can see it, feel it but not do a damned thing about it. I am dead inside, so I ask myself why not be dead outside? Problem being, I don't want to be the one to do it. I don't actually want to die. I just wish I wasn't here. Wasn't born. This is Depression. Not me. Not my 'self'. Not in any way the person any one knows. Just this thing that carries the name of Depression. So I became what is called a 'cutter'. I take a deep breath here. It carries such a stigma. It is shitty to admit. I don't want to field the questions but at the same time, if there is one person who is helped or one person who gets me in a better way, then my shame is worth it. I'm scared and scarred. I would have changed who I am years ago if it was possible. That should be obvious but often isn't. I can't 'snap out of it'. I can't 'just get over it'. I can't 'move on'. I couldn't 'just grow up'. I just discovered at 37, it never goes away. I can never be complacent. It will find me. It will always try to ruin me and who I have fought to become. It makes sure I never grow up. It will be forever there to stop me from snapping out of anything. Even if I could, Depression is there to make sure I doubt what I am doing.