Gaps

My last post went on and on in such a selfish way about just my own very self. Ended in a trivial thing about filling the gap that my lost tooth left behind. Today I just feel ridiculous. It has been little more than 24 hours since I found out that my friend Melissa died and I'm diving into waters full of tears, anger, frustration and guilt. It just isn't fair. Not damned fair that she doesn't get to fall in love, be married, buy a wedding dress, fight with the love of her life. I feel guilty that I have laughed countless times in the past day. I have been allowed to hug. I have held my friends' child, I have fed him. I have chosen not to walk the dogs. I have been cold. I have eaten cake. I have felt good about wearing a size 4 for the first time in more than a decade. I have wondered which shoes to wear. I have shared slippers. I have eaten cake. I have been fortunate enough to eat at all. I have drunk copious amounts of wine. I have chosen to smoke cigarettes. I have talked about how Mel removed Echo's stitches. I have talked about her as if I had a right to remember her. I have showered. I have felt warm in that shower. I have sobbed in that shower. I have picked music on Itunes that I hope she likes. I have wallowed in my own self pity. I have met and enjoyed new people. I have discussed trivial things like meatloaf and the first time I had it. I have had unkind thoughts. Thoughts that she would not have had. I have looked at pictures of her. I have giggled at mustaches worn when they ought not to have. I had tea. I ate a really good omelet for breakfast. I thought about masturbating. I wasted the day playing stupid games on the computer. I told one of my best friends that I love and value him. I have cried when I thought about all my most favorite people.
None of it brought her back. None of it made any one of her friends or family feel any better. It still isn't fair. I'm still fucking pissed. I'm still crying. I still don't understand. And I will get up tomorrow and do this again and again and again until one day I don't. I hope on that day she smiles at me and finds a way to tell me she understands.
I thank you for the time we did have Mel. Your soul is one I hope I am worthy of running into again. Perhaps we can eat sushi and sing show tunes or maybe I will finally buy pointe shoes in my size and you can watch me do the routines I have put off for no good reason. Thank you for being you.