Dear myself

Dear Mitra,
     I'm writing this to you from the ripe old age of 36. Remember a few short years ago when you were convinced you were going to die at 30? I just want to let you know that you will be happy you didn't. I know it doesn't seem that way right now though. I know things for you right now are mostly pain. You spend a majority of your time alone, scared that this is how it will always be, crying silently late at night when no one else is up. Sometimes you find yourself so incredibly happy and full of energy that you can't contain it and you are afraid you will explode but all you get are strange looks and admonitions to calm down. Notes sent home saying that you would be a better student if you could stop talking. Full of frustration at the fact that they don't realize you simply can't stop talking. It isn't within your powers to control this thing. It's a part of you but it isn't you. I wish I could hold you and tell you that one day, some one will finally realize that you are manic depressive and that after a lot of trial and error, you will get on the right medication and you will feel better. I wish there was a way to let you know that you are pretty awesome the way you are and that you don't need to try to change to please everyone around you. I'm not sure that knowing these things will make it any better though. You don't have patience and it does take a lot of work and many years. I promise, a day comes that you don't need medications at all anymore and you manage to see the grey areas of life finally. You do however, still tend to live black and white but you understand that the grey exists and that other people live in it. I wish that knowing all this would help ease the scary years. I wish you would learn sooner that the emotional pain will go away and that you don't need to hurt yourself physically to get through the immediate.
     Here are some of the things you will go through that perhaps you might want to try to avoid but then again, maybe you had to go through them to come out the other side as me. And honestly, being me is pretty rad!
     So, I would suggest you skip getting married at 21. It doesn't work out and you end up feeling pretty foolish for a lot of years about the big wedding and all the trouble everyone went to for you. You do get to spend some time overseas and see some pretty cool stuff but you are also in the thickest part of your depression and it is really hard to be without support. Actually, you should skip most of the relationships you have over the next decade and a half. Most of them aren't worth your time and you end up making these guys your entire life and losing out on a lot of time with friends and family which in the end, do turn out to be there for you. (they actually always were but you don't get that for a while) Except your mom, don't waste so much time trying to get her to like you, it won't happen. You will never be the daughter she hoped for and it will cause you a lot of stress trying to figure that out. Just try to go with the flow as far as she is concerned. It really isn't her fault. She had a ridiculous family life and after three miscarriages, really really wanted you. That explains the whole smothering thing that both your parents do most of your life. I know it is very confusing for you to think that you aren't liked but still forced to be around all the time. Honestly, I've only just started to figure that part out.
     Don't move to Alaska. It doesn't end well and you spend all your savings in the process. You do learn a valuable life lesson about changing the scenery not changing what is inside but in the end, you would really rather have the money.
     The dogs. Kaiya is an amazing idea. She is kind and sweet and wonderful and keeps you warm. Echo is pretty special after the first two years. He does manage to destroy the interior of two cars, a digital camera, and a screen door so perhaps you should consider keeping those things out of reach somehow. You could try a little more forceful training with him and I bet he would be pretty close to perfect though. Monkey...I'm not sure what to tell you about him. A lot of me thinks that you should not even bother to get the third dog. I think things would have been much easier that way. I know that I personally won't ever have three again and mainly because of Monkey. I'm sitting here trying to decide if the good outweighs the bad with him. He does make you laugh, a lot. But the majority of the time he makes you crazy and in the end he goes kind of nuts and you wage a huge battle with yourself over whether or not to put him to sleep. He also ends up costing you a lot of money between jumping through the window, being allergic to everything on earth, and digging up the yard. And yet, I still don't know if I wouldn't do it all over again.
     When it comes to love, you do finally find it. You two end up with a relationship that reflects the way your whole life has been, black or white, but you do love each other very much no matter what. That is the important part. Try not to get too flustered during the explosive fights you have, in a few days things will cool down and you will get a big stupid grin on your face every time you think of him.
     Now I come to the part that started this whole letter. The tattoos and piercings. Shockingly, the tattoos are not something you come to regret. At least not at this point. The piercings are what get you into trouble. As with most things in your life, you go all out when you have decided to do it. You end up getting two piercings in all your spots instead of just one. And no, don't worry, you never get weird enough to go below the waist. I'm just hoping that if you take nothing away from all this advice, you at least listen to me when I tell you NOT TO GET YOUR TONGUE PIERCED! You end up with two and you have them for just about long enough to wreck your two front teeth. A few years after you take them out, you end up with an infection (that you ignore for a while) and then you end up having one of your bottom front teeth removed. Stolen. Looted. Pinched. You feel a keen sense of loss. You walk around with a gap that cannot be filled no matter how hard your tongue and lower lip fight to do so. You end up spending way too much money to have an implant and the damned thing fucking hurts all the time. Eventually you will have to lose the other front tooth as well and get another implant. Please, I'm begging you, don't get the stupid piercing. You are plenty sexy and weird without it.