Let's see what ridiculous thoughts I recorded this time.
20th entry 11-7-88
Well Kian bought me some 'reds'. (I guess this was my slang for Marlboros. Got what a horrible place to start. Not even lights, I went straight to being a cowboy) He doesn't seem to care very much. He just told me that I shouldn't. (why, why didn't I listen??) I also double pierced my ear last night. Mom and Baba haven't noticed, again. (I guess I must have done it one other time?) Zack is my boyfriend now. (i'm sure you have all rolled your eyes like I did) He's really nice and I like him so I figured why not? (much more eye rolling going on here) He obviously likes me too. (well I should hope so nitwit) We went out with Kevin, Dan Melissa, and Amy today. We were going to go to Paramount Imports (can anyone believe that place is still in business? it was like the Mecca for all things blacklight, goth, and stoner and it looks exactly the same today as it did 16 years ago) but we ran out of time. Oh-Well. It would have been fun. I am really changing. (not really, no you aren't) I cut 5th period last Thursday. Dan, Kevin, Zack, Melissa, and I went out after lunch. We went to Dan's house so that he could change then we went to Kevin's house and watched the end of Good Morning Vietnam. It was a real blast. (at least we had good taste in movies) They are really fun to be with. They accept me as one of their equals. (snort. Really, I just snorted) They only pick on me once in a while (as compared to who?) and I can handle it. I think this will be a great year. (i'm fairly sure you already mentioned that)
Any why not add one more? I'm feeling flush with the triumph of finding the large green spiral bound notebook I was looking for.
21st entry 11-16-88
I know I haven't written in a while but I've been lazy and sick. I caught bronchitis again. (man, I was always sick because of bronchitis) It's not going well with Zack. He seems to be ignoring me. Maybe hes just too occupied with other things but he still hangs all over Gretchen. (Grrr! Gretchen. you poor thing, she is always stealing your boyfriends throughout high school. she eventually gets your 'first' to cheat on you and you will spend years making even more bad decisions about men because of it. Feh on her) I'm still very in love with Jesse. (wait, not Zack?) He told me that when he turns 16 he's going to run away. (because that is such a mature age to set out on your own) If he does I want to go with him. I told him that and he said he'd take me. (oh the stupid dreams of teenagers are so annoying!) I love him so much that sometimes it hurts.
I can barely keep up with all the guys I was supposedly in love with. It is kind of funny that I totally remember (almost) all of them. I was so completely convinced each and every time that this was the love of my life.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Thursday, July 31, 2014
18th entry 11-2-88
Good news readers! I have found the green spiral bound notebook! That means I don't have to hoard the few entries I had left in the current book. There are definitely some gaps in time but whatever, like ohmigod, it is totally tubular! Sorry, had to fall into 80's high school speak for a second there. Anyway, enjoy!
Scott wants me to get back together with him. (no wonder I only weighed 90 lbs. in high school, I clearly never had time to eat) I am really mixed up as to what to do. (well you kind of answered your own dilemma there, if you have to stop to think about it...) I had the chance for a perfect love and I threw it away. Twice. (good god, what the hell is a perfect love in your mind you silly addled child?) Scott wants to break up with his girlfriend and I'm afraid I would be just an excuse. I don't love him anymore. (then what the fuck is there to be mixed up about? ugh, I'm getting sick of you) Well, I do but not as much. I love him as a good friend and I don't want to risk ruining that. (don't worry, he'll be in and out of your life for a really really long time and actually when the friendship does end, you'll be really bummed out because it wasn't even over something that should have ended it) Besides, its time to go on with my life. (Christ woman, who will be your 'moving on')
19th entry ( I really hope that I eventually stop with the numbering of my entries) 11-3-88
Well I've been put on stage crew for the school play. (I totally remember this time frame and it was so much fun!) Zack's on it too. It's pretty fun but it's lots of hard work. ( I totally don't remember hard work, I remember lots of goofing off and laughter. I also remember not knowing that you never say 'good luck' to actors and when I did the first night of the play, everyone totally freaked out, I was so devastated.) I'm doing it so I can be with Dan and Zack. (c'mon, is anyone really even a little bit shocked about this revelation? You certainly weren't doing it for the hard work or fun since you don't seem to be able to do anything that doesn't involve a boy) Zack is a great friend and I know I can trust him. I don't know Dan very well but I sort of like him. (what, you aren't in love already?) He's funny but I know I don't have any chance whatsoever. But I can keep dreaming can't I? (oh please do, dream away little girl) I think I'm probably going to start smoking again. (did I seriously spend time making that decision? Why oh why did I choose so wrong? Look annoying little girl, you deciding to do that has made for a lifetime struggle for me. Thanks.) I'll watch it and I'll try not to get addicted (I'm making sarcastic snorting noises here) but I just want to. Kevin might get me some if I ask him. Kian might too but I don't want Kian to know I smoke because he might tell Mom and Baba. (my poor big brother. He walked the line between being the cool older brother and not letting me get into too much trouble quite well)
See you soon for another installment of my annoying teenage self!
Scott wants me to get back together with him. (no wonder I only weighed 90 lbs. in high school, I clearly never had time to eat) I am really mixed up as to what to do. (well you kind of answered your own dilemma there, if you have to stop to think about it...) I had the chance for a perfect love and I threw it away. Twice. (good god, what the hell is a perfect love in your mind you silly addled child?) Scott wants to break up with his girlfriend and I'm afraid I would be just an excuse. I don't love him anymore. (then what the fuck is there to be mixed up about? ugh, I'm getting sick of you) Well, I do but not as much. I love him as a good friend and I don't want to risk ruining that. (don't worry, he'll be in and out of your life for a really really long time and actually when the friendship does end, you'll be really bummed out because it wasn't even over something that should have ended it) Besides, its time to go on with my life. (Christ woman, who will be your 'moving on')
19th entry ( I really hope that I eventually stop with the numbering of my entries) 11-3-88
Well I've been put on stage crew for the school play. (I totally remember this time frame and it was so much fun!) Zack's on it too. It's pretty fun but it's lots of hard work. ( I totally don't remember hard work, I remember lots of goofing off and laughter. I also remember not knowing that you never say 'good luck' to actors and when I did the first night of the play, everyone totally freaked out, I was so devastated.) I'm doing it so I can be with Dan and Zack. (c'mon, is anyone really even a little bit shocked about this revelation? You certainly weren't doing it for the hard work or fun since you don't seem to be able to do anything that doesn't involve a boy) Zack is a great friend and I know I can trust him. I don't know Dan very well but I sort of like him. (what, you aren't in love already?) He's funny but I know I don't have any chance whatsoever. But I can keep dreaming can't I? (oh please do, dream away little girl) I think I'm probably going to start smoking again. (did I seriously spend time making that decision? Why oh why did I choose so wrong? Look annoying little girl, you deciding to do that has made for a lifetime struggle for me. Thanks.) I'll watch it and I'll try not to get addicted (I'm making sarcastic snorting noises here) but I just want to. Kevin might get me some if I ask him. Kian might too but I don't want Kian to know I smoke because he might tell Mom and Baba. (my poor big brother. He walked the line between being the cool older brother and not letting me get into too much trouble quite well)
See you soon for another installment of my annoying teenage self!
Monday, July 28, 2014
16th and 17th entries
Yup, now that I'm 40 I have so much more wisdom to impart on my teenage self.
16th entry 10-28-88
Mom and Baba came home last night. They gave me a whole bunch of stuff. It was really cool. (that is all you have to say?! At least describe the cool stuff and give me more to make fun of for god's sake!)
That is apparently all I had to say that day. Teenagers are so annoying!
17th entry 11-1-88
Well last night was Halloween. It was pretty dull. I just sat around. I get all the junk left over. So I don't mind. S and I broke up (finally! Wait, are you sure? Is he going to just pop back up in two days? Please let this be the end. I'm sick of myself at this point) but we are still good friends. I miss Scott. (of course you do, what would you do all day if you didn't spend time obsessing over a boy?) I haven't spoken to him in ages. He's such a great friend. He always helps me when I'm upset so I try to do the same.
(this next part is so embarrassing that I almost omitted it but there wouldn't be any fun in this if I wasn't truly embarrassed. The worst part is I don't even know why it feels so embarrassing) I found a new creek by my house. It's the same one as the creek by Burns. (we had lived in a house that backed to a creek and I remember spending hours and hours down there by myself. It was pretty cool because the people who owned the house before us had lived there for like 50 years and used to throw their junk in the creek so I was always finding cool shit like old bottles. There was even the frame of an old roadster down there. Anyway..) It's my creek. It's really pretty there. I don't think I'd ever take anyone I know there. (because it isn't public property or anything, yes you own the entire creek) I can only think of 1 or 2 people (so that would be someone, wouldn't it?) who would really appreciate its beauty. Brian Zimmerman (what is my obsession with this poor guy?), Arjang, and maybe Dan Rawlinson (sorry to Dan but I can't even imagine why I added him to the list and not one of my closest friends or cousins like Neda or Iris) But only Arjang could ever go there. I doubt Brian or Dan would ever go anywhere with me. (probably because you are a fucking crazy teenager and they are hoping they don't end up in your blog one day)
So I wonder who the hell will be at the center of my w
16th entry 10-28-88
Mom and Baba came home last night. They gave me a whole bunch of stuff. It was really cool. (that is all you have to say?! At least describe the cool stuff and give me more to make fun of for god's sake!)
That is apparently all I had to say that day. Teenagers are so annoying!
17th entry 11-1-88
Well last night was Halloween. It was pretty dull. I just sat around. I get all the junk left over. So I don't mind. S and I broke up (finally! Wait, are you sure? Is he going to just pop back up in two days? Please let this be the end. I'm sick of myself at this point) but we are still good friends. I miss Scott. (of course you do, what would you do all day if you didn't spend time obsessing over a boy?) I haven't spoken to him in ages. He's such a great friend. He always helps me when I'm upset so I try to do the same.
(this next part is so embarrassing that I almost omitted it but there wouldn't be any fun in this if I wasn't truly embarrassed. The worst part is I don't even know why it feels so embarrassing) I found a new creek by my house. It's the same one as the creek by Burns. (we had lived in a house that backed to a creek and I remember spending hours and hours down there by myself. It was pretty cool because the people who owned the house before us had lived there for like 50 years and used to throw their junk in the creek so I was always finding cool shit like old bottles. There was even the frame of an old roadster down there. Anyway..) It's my creek. It's really pretty there. I don't think I'd ever take anyone I know there. (because it isn't public property or anything, yes you own the entire creek) I can only think of 1 or 2 people (so that would be someone, wouldn't it?) who would really appreciate its beauty. Brian Zimmerman (what is my obsession with this poor guy?), Arjang, and maybe Dan Rawlinson (sorry to Dan but I can't even imagine why I added him to the list and not one of my closest friends or cousins like Neda or Iris) But only Arjang could ever go there. I doubt Brian or Dan would ever go anywhere with me. (probably because you are a fucking crazy teenager and they are hoping they don't end up in your blog one day)
So I wonder who the hell will be at the center of my w
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
14th entry 10-26-88
The saga continues my friends and faithful readers!
YUCK!! English is driving me CRAZY. OH-WELL! ( I wish I had some idea of why..) It seems as though things might work between S and I. (Christ, really? just when I had some hope for you) Just when I had made up my mind to break up with him, it seems ok (no! Don't get sucked back in!) but what about tomorrow? What if it only goes for one day and then we fight again? I don't think I can take it. (then break up with him you fool) 'What if' keeps going through my mind. (yeah, I hate to tell you this but get used to it, you tend to spend most of your life wasting time on what ifs)
And just because I made you wait so long..
15th entry 10-27-88
My parents come home today. GOD, has it really been a whole month? It doesn't seem like it. (yeah and you clearly wasted it. I didn't see one thing about party or I got away with it) Brian Zimmerman is giving up in English. He's a really smart guy but now that Mr. Sluga (dude, Mr. Sluga was awesome!) isn't here he seems to think it's not worth his time. I'm trying to get him to do his work but I don't think I'm as effective as Mr. Sluga was. (funny thing is I totally remember this time frame. Mr. Sluga was this great teacher who left right after the year started and it really bummed me out. I have no idea who replaced him but I remember being really upset. It kind of hurt that a teacher would bail on his students) I don't know why I care but I do. He just seems like a nice guy and I want to help. Mrs. Mangels isn't going to do him a bit of good. (wow, apparently Mrs. Mangels is who replaced Mr. Sluga and clearly I did NOT like her) She won't try to help him she'll just get mad at him for not doing his work. (was I guessing or is this what was happening?) He needs pushed into doing his work but I'm not so sure I should be the one doing the pushing. (ya think?)
So what the heck happened with S? I didn't even mention him in the last entry. Is that how quickly I moved on or was I just so bummed about Mr. Sluga and Brian Zimmerman? Guess we'll find out soon...
YUCK!! English is driving me CRAZY. OH-WELL! ( I wish I had some idea of why..) It seems as though things might work between S and I. (Christ, really? just when I had some hope for you) Just when I had made up my mind to break up with him, it seems ok (no! Don't get sucked back in!) but what about tomorrow? What if it only goes for one day and then we fight again? I don't think I can take it. (then break up with him you fool) 'What if' keeps going through my mind. (yeah, I hate to tell you this but get used to it, you tend to spend most of your life wasting time on what ifs)
And just because I made you wait so long..
15th entry 10-27-88
My parents come home today. GOD, has it really been a whole month? It doesn't seem like it. (yeah and you clearly wasted it. I didn't see one thing about party or I got away with it) Brian Zimmerman is giving up in English. He's a really smart guy but now that Mr. Sluga (dude, Mr. Sluga was awesome!) isn't here he seems to think it's not worth his time. I'm trying to get him to do his work but I don't think I'm as effective as Mr. Sluga was. (funny thing is I totally remember this time frame. Mr. Sluga was this great teacher who left right after the year started and it really bummed me out. I have no idea who replaced him but I remember being really upset. It kind of hurt that a teacher would bail on his students) I don't know why I care but I do. He just seems like a nice guy and I want to help. Mrs. Mangels isn't going to do him a bit of good. (wow, apparently Mrs. Mangels is who replaced Mr. Sluga and clearly I did NOT like her) She won't try to help him she'll just get mad at him for not doing his work. (was I guessing or is this what was happening?) He needs pushed into doing his work but I'm not so sure I should be the one doing the pushing. (ya think?)
So what the heck happened with S? I didn't even mention him in the last entry. Is that how quickly I moved on or was I just so bummed about Mr. Sluga and Brian Zimmerman? Guess we'll find out soon...
Friday, June 27, 2014
13th entry 10-25-88
Is it possible? Have we reached the exciting conclusion of my saga with S? Well folks, let's take a look and find out.
I had a nice long talk with Dan today. (Wish I had bothered to put his last name. Dan who?) It was fun. He's a great guy. S and I aren't going to last. I'll probably break up with him tomorrow. (I'm pretty sure from what I have read that you may already be broken up) He's driving me crazy. Zack told me today that S told him that he likes somebody else. How could he ever say he loved me? (I'm not really feeling the anguish here that one would expect from a silly teenager who has been saying things like 'He is too important to me') When I say that, I mean it. (yeah and you'll mean it a whole lot more in your lifetime) I still care about S but I can't take this shit anymore. Scott told me I should break up with him for my own sanity. (Sadly, sanity and I have never really known one another) I'm beginning to believe it. He's being AN ASSHOLE! (yes, for some reason I capitalized 'an' as well) I never talk to him anymore. (another clue that perhaps you have already broken up) It's becoming bad for both of us. (I doubt that, I suspect he is happy to be rid of you) I cried a lot over the weekend about this but I know what I must do. It's over. :'( (Yes, I did actually draw a sad face with tears. I had no idea I invented emoticons!) I just have to square my shoulders and go on with my life. (Christ, where the hell do I get all these clichés?) There will be other. (so very many of them) I've decided not to go to the formal. After all this, I don't deserve to go. I failed S. (oh for fuck's sake woman..the drama! I totally wasn't even into soap operas, where did I get all this drama?) I suppose I could have held on but it's not worth it. 2 days left until Mom and Baba come home. I'm really happy. I miss them a lot! (really? I missed my parents? I totally don't remember that)
Well ladies and gents, it looks like I have finally given up on S..or have I?
I had a nice long talk with Dan today. (Wish I had bothered to put his last name. Dan who?) It was fun. He's a great guy. S and I aren't going to last. I'll probably break up with him tomorrow. (I'm pretty sure from what I have read that you may already be broken up) He's driving me crazy. Zack told me today that S told him that he likes somebody else. How could he ever say he loved me? (I'm not really feeling the anguish here that one would expect from a silly teenager who has been saying things like 'He is too important to me') When I say that, I mean it. (yeah and you'll mean it a whole lot more in your lifetime) I still care about S but I can't take this shit anymore. Scott told me I should break up with him for my own sanity. (Sadly, sanity and I have never really known one another) I'm beginning to believe it. He's being AN ASSHOLE! (yes, for some reason I capitalized 'an' as well) I never talk to him anymore. (another clue that perhaps you have already broken up) It's becoming bad for both of us. (I doubt that, I suspect he is happy to be rid of you) I cried a lot over the weekend about this but I know what I must do. It's over. :'( (Yes, I did actually draw a sad face with tears. I had no idea I invented emoticons!) I just have to square my shoulders and go on with my life. (Christ, where the hell do I get all these clichés?) There will be other. (so very many of them) I've decided not to go to the formal. After all this, I don't deserve to go. I failed S. (oh for fuck's sake woman..the drama! I totally wasn't even into soap operas, where did I get all this drama?) I suppose I could have held on but it's not worth it. 2 days left until Mom and Baba come home. I'm really happy. I miss them a lot! (really? I missed my parents? I totally don't remember that)
Well ladies and gents, it looks like I have finally given up on S..or have I?
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
11th entry 10-20-88 and 12th entry 10-21-88
Yes folks, I have returned with yet another chapter in my high school diary saga. Enjoy my embarrassment.
THINGS REALLY aren't going too well. (yeah, for some reason I felt the need to capitalize both words) S is ignoring my pleas for a talk. He's talking to me now but he's acting as though nothing is wrong. (guess what, it'll prepare you for your future) I agree with what Zack said but I can't talk to S if he won't listen. What's going on? I've got to do something before it all falls apart. I won't let that happen. (sorry sweetie, totally beyond your control but you get an A for effort) It's too important to me. (for those of you who have been following along you'll understand why I say 'Jesus woman, we get that part already!') I have a feeling that he needs me. Sort of like a sixth sense. (oh god, what the hell was I reading at the time? I totally must have gotten that from some book) I have to just tell him a few things then maybe it'll all work out. ( I'm dying to know what those few things were. I didn't bother to tell them to myself)
North and South has been on tv recently. I'm really into it. It's a pretty intense movie. (I'm guessing I was just really into Patrick Swayze but then again, I was a huge fan of Gone With the Wind so maybe I was just really into the misery of the Civil War)
10-21-88 (Friday)
For some reason this one time I needed to put the day of the week down too. Who knows why but enjoy.
10:30am I'm on the verge of tears right now. S is growing too distant. I don't have any idea what's happening (we've established this already) He won't come near me anymore. (I'm guessing he has broken up with you, he just hasn't bothered to tell you yet) He doesn't seem to care anylonger. (yes, one word apparently) HELP ME! (oh honey, if only you were smart enough to help yourself)
Stay tuned for the 13th entry and possible conclusion to the S drama!
THINGS REALLY aren't going too well. (yeah, for some reason I felt the need to capitalize both words) S is ignoring my pleas for a talk. He's talking to me now but he's acting as though nothing is wrong. (guess what, it'll prepare you for your future) I agree with what Zack said but I can't talk to S if he won't listen. What's going on? I've got to do something before it all falls apart. I won't let that happen. (sorry sweetie, totally beyond your control but you get an A for effort) It's too important to me. (for those of you who have been following along you'll understand why I say 'Jesus woman, we get that part already!') I have a feeling that he needs me. Sort of like a sixth sense. (oh god, what the hell was I reading at the time? I totally must have gotten that from some book) I have to just tell him a few things then maybe it'll all work out. ( I'm dying to know what those few things were. I didn't bother to tell them to myself)
North and South has been on tv recently. I'm really into it. It's a pretty intense movie. (I'm guessing I was just really into Patrick Swayze but then again, I was a huge fan of Gone With the Wind so maybe I was just really into the misery of the Civil War)
10-21-88 (Friday)
For some reason this one time I needed to put the day of the week down too. Who knows why but enjoy.
10:30am I'm on the verge of tears right now. S is growing too distant. I don't have any idea what's happening (we've established this already) He won't come near me anymore. (I'm guessing he has broken up with you, he just hasn't bothered to tell you yet) He doesn't seem to care anylonger. (yes, one word apparently) HELP ME! (oh honey, if only you were smart enough to help yourself)
Stay tuned for the 13th entry and possible conclusion to the S drama!
Friday, June 6, 2014
10th entry 10-19-88
Here comes the next one folks. Spelling errors and all.
It's not working! S seems to be growing further and further away. More and more distant. Zack said I should talk to him but every time I try he walks away. Zack also said that S mentioned something about the fact that I hang around too many guys but that can't be true. I spend all my time with him. The jealousy bit doesn't fit him. I don't understand what's happening. I don't seem to have any control over my life anymore, I just let things happen. (welcome to being a teenager) GOD! I kneed (yes, I spelled it that way) help! I feel crazy sometimes, like I just might let go. (let go of what?) I feel like giving up on S but I can't. I know he cares but why does he lie to me? The stories and lies are driving me mad. What can I do? If he won't talk to me or let me talk to him then.....? I just want his trust. You can't love someone you don't trust. RIGHT? I can't go on forever like this. What if this is it? I don't want to live without him. (oh the drama woman!) I do care too much. I never thought there was such a thing as caring too much but I've done it. (oh yay, what an achievement!) I just can't stop. I've never stopped caring about anyone, nor will I. (just you wait toots)
My parents return in less than a week. Well actually it is a week. WOW! They've been gone almost a month already. It sure hasn't felt like it. I sort of miss them. I've had fun though. I probably still will. They've been cool lately. It's good.
I like how I ended it like that. It's good. I'm clearly the predecessor to 'It's all good'. I also think it is funny that I wrote that I'd probably still have fun. I wonder if I had any odds on that one.
It's not working! S seems to be growing further and further away. More and more distant. Zack said I should talk to him but every time I try he walks away. Zack also said that S mentioned something about the fact that I hang around too many guys but that can't be true. I spend all my time with him. The jealousy bit doesn't fit him. I don't understand what's happening. I don't seem to have any control over my life anymore, I just let things happen. (welcome to being a teenager) GOD! I kneed (yes, I spelled it that way) help! I feel crazy sometimes, like I just might let go. (let go of what?) I feel like giving up on S but I can't. I know he cares but why does he lie to me? The stories and lies are driving me mad. What can I do? If he won't talk to me or let me talk to him then.....? I just want his trust. You can't love someone you don't trust. RIGHT? I can't go on forever like this. What if this is it? I don't want to live without him. (oh the drama woman!) I do care too much. I never thought there was such a thing as caring too much but I've done it. (oh yay, what an achievement!) I just can't stop. I've never stopped caring about anyone, nor will I. (just you wait toots)
My parents return in less than a week. Well actually it is a week. WOW! They've been gone almost a month already. It sure hasn't felt like it. I sort of miss them. I've had fun though. I probably still will. They've been cool lately. It's good.
I like how I ended it like that. It's good. I'm clearly the predecessor to 'It's all good'. I also think it is funny that I wrote that I'd probably still have fun. I wonder if I had any odds on that one.
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