Yes folks, I have returned with yet another chapter in my high school diary saga. Enjoy my embarrassment.
THINGS REALLY aren't going too well. (yeah, for some reason I felt the need to capitalize both words) S is ignoring my pleas for a talk. He's talking to me now but he's acting as though nothing is wrong. (guess what, it'll prepare you for your future) I agree with what Zack said but I can't talk to S if he won't listen. What's going on? I've got to do something before it all falls apart. I won't let that happen. (sorry sweetie, totally beyond your control but you get an A for effort) It's too important to me. (for those of you who have been following along you'll understand why I say 'Jesus woman, we get that part already!') I have a feeling that he needs me. Sort of like a sixth sense. (oh god, what the hell was I reading at the time? I totally must have gotten that from some book) I have to just tell him a few things then maybe it'll all work out. ( I'm dying to know what those few things were. I didn't bother to tell them to myself)
North and South has been on tv recently. I'm really into it. It's a pretty intense movie. (I'm guessing I was just really into Patrick Swayze but then again, I was a huge fan of Gone With the Wind so maybe I was just really into the misery of the Civil War)
10-21-88 (Friday)
For some reason this one time I needed to put the day of the week down too. Who knows why but enjoy.
10:30am I'm on the verge of tears right now. S is growing too distant. I don't have any idea what's happening (we've established this already) He won't come near me anymore. (I'm guessing he has broken up with you, he just hasn't bothered to tell you yet) He doesn't seem to care anylonger. (yes, one word apparently) HELP ME! (oh honey, if only you were smart enough to help yourself)
Stay tuned for the 13th entry and possible conclusion to the S drama!
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Friday, June 6, 2014
10th entry 10-19-88
Here comes the next one folks. Spelling errors and all.
It's not working! S seems to be growing further and further away. More and more distant. Zack said I should talk to him but every time I try he walks away. Zack also said that S mentioned something about the fact that I hang around too many guys but that can't be true. I spend all my time with him. The jealousy bit doesn't fit him. I don't understand what's happening. I don't seem to have any control over my life anymore, I just let things happen. (welcome to being a teenager) GOD! I kneed (yes, I spelled it that way) help! I feel crazy sometimes, like I just might let go. (let go of what?) I feel like giving up on S but I can't. I know he cares but why does he lie to me? The stories and lies are driving me mad. What can I do? If he won't talk to me or let me talk to him then.....? I just want his trust. You can't love someone you don't trust. RIGHT? I can't go on forever like this. What if this is it? I don't want to live without him. (oh the drama woman!) I do care too much. I never thought there was such a thing as caring too much but I've done it. (oh yay, what an achievement!) I just can't stop. I've never stopped caring about anyone, nor will I. (just you wait toots)
My parents return in less than a week. Well actually it is a week. WOW! They've been gone almost a month already. It sure hasn't felt like it. I sort of miss them. I've had fun though. I probably still will. They've been cool lately. It's good.
I like how I ended it like that. It's good. I'm clearly the predecessor to 'It's all good'. I also think it is funny that I wrote that I'd probably still have fun. I wonder if I had any odds on that one.
It's not working! S seems to be growing further and further away. More and more distant. Zack said I should talk to him but every time I try he walks away. Zack also said that S mentioned something about the fact that I hang around too many guys but that can't be true. I spend all my time with him. The jealousy bit doesn't fit him. I don't understand what's happening. I don't seem to have any control over my life anymore, I just let things happen. (welcome to being a teenager) GOD! I kneed (yes, I spelled it that way) help! I feel crazy sometimes, like I just might let go. (let go of what?) I feel like giving up on S but I can't. I know he cares but why does he lie to me? The stories and lies are driving me mad. What can I do? If he won't talk to me or let me talk to him then.....? I just want his trust. You can't love someone you don't trust. RIGHT? I can't go on forever like this. What if this is it? I don't want to live without him. (oh the drama woman!) I do care too much. I never thought there was such a thing as caring too much but I've done it. (oh yay, what an achievement!) I just can't stop. I've never stopped caring about anyone, nor will I. (just you wait toots)
My parents return in less than a week. Well actually it is a week. WOW! They've been gone almost a month already. It sure hasn't felt like it. I sort of miss them. I've had fun though. I probably still will. They've been cool lately. It's good.
I like how I ended it like that. It's good. I'm clearly the predecessor to 'It's all good'. I also think it is funny that I wrote that I'd probably still have fun. I wonder if I had any odds on that one.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
8th entry - 10-14-88
Here we go folks, the next chapter in my little high school saga ~
What a beautiful day! It's a bit cloudy and rainy but other than that it's beautiful! Nothing could ruin my day except, of course, S. (a bit of foreshadowing maybe?) I know he really cares about me. I'm really happy. I'm really high today, higher than I ever could be on acid. Ha ha. (yes, sadly I had a love affair with acid in high school. Probably not the best thing but hey, these days kids are doing meth and that is way worse) I feel really guilty though. I haven't written to Arj in a long time. He's written to me a lot but I haven't bothered to send anything I've written. Horrible! Yuck! (yes, I actually wrote that) I should send one this weekend. If I don't I'll feel really bad.
It's FRIDAY! I get to go home this weekend. I hope Kian will let me go to S's again. He probably will, he's pretty cool about that stuff. He's been letting me do just about anything. The only thing he's said 'no' to is a party but I didn't really want to have one anyway. (this is true. I was never really into having parties. It seemed like it would be far too much effort for the trouble I might have gotten in to. Not to mention the fact that anytime I did anything wrong, I always got caught) It would be too much of a risk. (see) They aren't that much fun anyway. I'm having a blast on the weekends with just Kian and Terri by going to movies and stuff. (I've always loved my big brother. Hanging out with him was totally the highlight of my life) I'm almost out of money though. I really have to get some more. Mom and Baba owe me about $50.00 for watering the house (they had a vacant house that they were trying to sell and I was getting paid to go over there and water the yard. I highly doubt they would have paid me to water our own yard but who knows..) By the time they get back it'll be at about $98.00. (about 98? About is more like 95 or 100 but 98 is pretty specific kid) I'm really happy. (yes, so you've mentioned) The year looks really promising. I've got a wonderful boyfriend, I'm doing pretty good (not well, good) in my classes, I've got money, my parents and I are getting along, and everything is just great. (little smiley face drawn at this point)
And just because I've made you all wait to long..here is the next entry.
9th entry - 10/17/88
I think S is mad at me for some reason or something else is wrong. He's seems (yes, I totally used he's and seems) sort of detached lately, distant. It's weird. Before he always wanted to hold me or touch me or just be near me and not it seems as though he could care less. I suppose I should talk to him about it but what if he won't talk to me? (honey, this is a clear indication that it is over. Boys don't talk. They pull away. You will experience this a lot in your life, get used to it.) What if he lies? I know he's hiding something from me but what? Why should he hide anything? (oh, poor you. you have no idea what you are in for in life) I'm willing to take everything and anything. I want to help if possible. (boys don't want help. ever.) He seems to think he's crazy. I disagree. (yes, because you are such an expert.) Neda told me that he tells people stories to get attention. He told me that some of his friends have died but I asked his best friend and he said it wasn't true. Why would he lie? What's the point? (he is trying to get away from you without actually being the one to break up, just sayin) I can't figure it out. One minute he tells me he loves me and the next he barely seems to notice me. What can it be?
So many questions and no answers. S H I T!! (I actually had little triangles at the bottom of my exclamation points. what was that all about?) I don't want to lose him and if I can help it, I won't. He's too important. But how can I tell him how important he is? (oh probably by being all clingy and asking him what is wrong every ten seconds. I'd start there)
What a beautiful day! It's a bit cloudy and rainy but other than that it's beautiful! Nothing could ruin my day except, of course, S. (a bit of foreshadowing maybe?) I know he really cares about me. I'm really happy. I'm really high today, higher than I ever could be on acid. Ha ha. (yes, sadly I had a love affair with acid in high school. Probably not the best thing but hey, these days kids are doing meth and that is way worse) I feel really guilty though. I haven't written to Arj in a long time. He's written to me a lot but I haven't bothered to send anything I've written. Horrible! Yuck! (yes, I actually wrote that) I should send one this weekend. If I don't I'll feel really bad.
It's FRIDAY! I get to go home this weekend. I hope Kian will let me go to S's again. He probably will, he's pretty cool about that stuff. He's been letting me do just about anything. The only thing he's said 'no' to is a party but I didn't really want to have one anyway. (this is true. I was never really into having parties. It seemed like it would be far too much effort for the trouble I might have gotten in to. Not to mention the fact that anytime I did anything wrong, I always got caught) It would be too much of a risk. (see) They aren't that much fun anyway. I'm having a blast on the weekends with just Kian and Terri by going to movies and stuff. (I've always loved my big brother. Hanging out with him was totally the highlight of my life) I'm almost out of money though. I really have to get some more. Mom and Baba owe me about $50.00 for watering the house (they had a vacant house that they were trying to sell and I was getting paid to go over there and water the yard. I highly doubt they would have paid me to water our own yard but who knows..) By the time they get back it'll be at about $98.00. (about 98? About is more like 95 or 100 but 98 is pretty specific kid) I'm really happy. (yes, so you've mentioned) The year looks really promising. I've got a wonderful boyfriend, I'm doing pretty good (not well, good) in my classes, I've got money, my parents and I are getting along, and everything is just great. (little smiley face drawn at this point)
And just because I've made you all wait to long..here is the next entry.
9th entry - 10/17/88
I think S is mad at me for some reason or something else is wrong. He's seems (yes, I totally used he's and seems) sort of detached lately, distant. It's weird. Before he always wanted to hold me or touch me or just be near me and not it seems as though he could care less. I suppose I should talk to him about it but what if he won't talk to me? (honey, this is a clear indication that it is over. Boys don't talk. They pull away. You will experience this a lot in your life, get used to it.) What if he lies? I know he's hiding something from me but what? Why should he hide anything? (oh, poor you. you have no idea what you are in for in life) I'm willing to take everything and anything. I want to help if possible. (boys don't want help. ever.) He seems to think he's crazy. I disagree. (yes, because you are such an expert.) Neda told me that he tells people stories to get attention. He told me that some of his friends have died but I asked his best friend and he said it wasn't true. Why would he lie? What's the point? (he is trying to get away from you without actually being the one to break up, just sayin) I can't figure it out. One minute he tells me he loves me and the next he barely seems to notice me. What can it be?
So many questions and no answers. S H I T!! (I actually had little triangles at the bottom of my exclamation points. what was that all about?) I don't want to lose him and if I can help it, I won't. He's too important. But how can I tell him how important he is? (oh probably by being all clingy and asking him what is wrong every ten seconds. I'd start there)
Thursday, May 8, 2014
7th entry - 10-13-88
For my wonderful and amazing followers..here is the next entry in my embarrassing freshman year diary. I have a huge spiral bound notebook that I know occupied most of my high school life and I cannot find it which is vexing me. I've searched the basement, the storage unit, my random unpacked boxes from the move, and no. It is hiding. I'm hoping to locate it before I run out of pages in this one...
Something bizarre is going on. Neda said that a lot of people have been saying S is crazy but I didn't listen. Today S started telling me he's crazy and that he's totally uncontrollable at times. He said he's honestly worried about hurting me someday. I trust him completely but he sounded scared. I'm prepared to stick by him and help him if he ever needs anything. (God, there are times I just want to go back and smack myself for being young and stupid and idealistic) The weird part is people who at first were opposed to us are now wishing us luck, and people who were happy at first are telling me to watch myself now. I'm really confused. (No honey, you are just young and stupid) I'm not leaving S for anything. (except for maybe one of 6 other guys you've mentioned in the past week) When I care about someone it is for life. (No. Really no.) I'm not giving up even if I have to fight forever. (Someone should have taken the medieval novels away from me) I'm sick of giving up things in my life. (Like what? Phone privileges? Allowance?) From now on I'm keeping everything. (This could be the beginning of 'Hoarders Confessional' but then again, I did keep all my damned diaries) S is really important to me. (Until next week) Just when I kneeded (yes, I actually spelled it that way. How did I get good grades in English?!) somebody to lean on, he appeared. Now I have what I need so I'm going to give him what he needs. (not kneeds?) He mentioned that he saw a phsyc (I'm guessing I was shortening Psychiatrist because I couldn't fucking spell it) for a while but he doesn't think it helped. (No kneed to pay any attention to red flags) I think even he thinks he is crazy. (again, red flag my dear) Maybe he is but I don't care. (maybe I'm crazy too...) Nothings going to stop this. ( Suddenly I want to sing 'Aint nothing gonna breaka my stride, nothings gonna slow me down, oh no, got to keep on movin)
That's all for now folks. I have to remain stingy until I locate the giant green spiral bound notebook because what I have next to me only covers the next two months.
Something bizarre is going on. Neda said that a lot of people have been saying S is crazy but I didn't listen. Today S started telling me he's crazy and that he's totally uncontrollable at times. He said he's honestly worried about hurting me someday. I trust him completely but he sounded scared. I'm prepared to stick by him and help him if he ever needs anything. (God, there are times I just want to go back and smack myself for being young and stupid and idealistic) The weird part is people who at first were opposed to us are now wishing us luck, and people who were happy at first are telling me to watch myself now. I'm really confused. (No honey, you are just young and stupid) I'm not leaving S for anything. (except for maybe one of 6 other guys you've mentioned in the past week) When I care about someone it is for life. (No. Really no.) I'm not giving up even if I have to fight forever. (Someone should have taken the medieval novels away from me) I'm sick of giving up things in my life. (Like what? Phone privileges? Allowance?) From now on I'm keeping everything. (This could be the beginning of 'Hoarders Confessional' but then again, I did keep all my damned diaries) S is really important to me. (Until next week) Just when I kneeded (yes, I actually spelled it that way. How did I get good grades in English?!) somebody to lean on, he appeared. Now I have what I need so I'm going to give him what he needs. (not kneeds?) He mentioned that he saw a phsyc (I'm guessing I was shortening Psychiatrist because I couldn't fucking spell it) for a while but he doesn't think it helped. (No kneed to pay any attention to red flags) I think even he thinks he is crazy. (again, red flag my dear) Maybe he is but I don't care. (maybe I'm crazy too...) Nothings going to stop this. ( Suddenly I want to sing 'Aint nothing gonna breaka my stride, nothings gonna slow me down, oh no, got to keep on movin)
That's all for now folks. I have to remain stingy until I locate the giant green spiral bound notebook because what I have next to me only covers the next two months.
Friday, May 2, 2014
October 11, 1988
A minor back story on this one. In my second entry, which I skipped here because it was mainly about John Lennon's birthday and how sad it was that he wasn't alive and it was pretty boring, I ended with the fact that I had been asked to the winter formal by a friend named Zack Grey. (Poor guy, I feel really bad that I can't remember him. I'm sure he was a super nice person and deserves remembering) So the saga continues...
5th entry -
Well today was really screwed. I was in a good mood this morning but Zack told S about the formal and S got really pissed. I meant to tell him myself today but Zack beat me to it. God I felt really horrible. (the word really was underlined three times!) For a while I thought I had lost S. If that had happened... I told Zack that I couldn't go with him and he said he understood but I still felt bad. Zack is my friend but I really care about S. I really wanted to start crying a couple of times. I have something this good right here in the palm of my hands (yes, one palm but multiple hands) and I almost screwed it up. I have to watch it, I can't lose S. It's too important to me! (Notice I say 'It' is too important to me and not 'He'. Apparently it was the relationship and not the person that mattered to me.) God! Why am I so emotional? (because you are a teenage girl my silly dear self) I wish I wasn't. Then things wouldn't be so hard for me in life. (oh honey, you have no idea. It just gets worse from here for quite a long while) OH HELL. From now on I'll just love S with all my heart and smile a lot. (I like the smile a lot part. Somehow that just adds to it)
The funny part of all this to me is that just 6 days earlier I was talking about Jesse and Frank and A and now I seem to have forgotten all about them. Good lord, no wonder I wasn't doing well in math. Who had time to worry about Algebra?
And just because I can.. the next entry.
6th entry - 10-12-88
All my life people have come and gone. Grandparents, teachers, friends, boyfriends (clearly plural), family, and strangers. It used to affect me greatly. First my Grandfather died and I hadn't gotten much of a chance to know him. At the time it didn't bother me much because I was only 5 years old and I hadn't seen him since I was 4. Now it seems to bother me a lot more than it should. Friends, people I've come to trust and care about, have left me. That always hurt. I am a very loving and caring person. I can be hurt more than I ever thought I could, by just one person. (where the hell is all this going?) The worst was always when a boyfriend and I broke up. I get so attached to people, I suppose it isn't good but I can't help it. I trust and love people so easily that they can hurt me by just turning their back. Lately I've grown accustomed to people leaving. It doesn't bother me as much but now I'm starting to be afraid again. 'What if' always goes through my mind. I have begun to wonder what I would do if S and I break up. I've really started to fall in love with him, or at least as close to love as I've ever been. (since last week at least) I know it should be the furthest thing from my mind but I just seem to think about it and then I'm terrified all over again. I kneed (yes, awful misspell here) somebody to lean on, security. I just like to be assured that I'm loved and I'm happy. I know I'll solve my problems someday but until then....
(the I changed to a different pen and wrote the following)
This last entry I wrote as though I've stepped outside myself and looked back on my life. (not really, it was all first person and in the moment idiot) It was weird seeing myself as somebody else would see me. I ought to try it more often. (oh please don't. Please)
As a teaser..the next entry starts with 'Something bizarre is going on' I wonder what I thought was bizarre back then.
5th entry -
Well today was really screwed. I was in a good mood this morning but Zack told S about the formal and S got really pissed. I meant to tell him myself today but Zack beat me to it. God I felt really horrible. (the word really was underlined three times!) For a while I thought I had lost S. If that had happened... I told Zack that I couldn't go with him and he said he understood but I still felt bad. Zack is my friend but I really care about S. I really wanted to start crying a couple of times. I have something this good right here in the palm of my hands (yes, one palm but multiple hands) and I almost screwed it up. I have to watch it, I can't lose S. It's too important to me! (Notice I say 'It' is too important to me and not 'He'. Apparently it was the relationship and not the person that mattered to me.) God! Why am I so emotional? (because you are a teenage girl my silly dear self) I wish I wasn't. Then things wouldn't be so hard for me in life. (oh honey, you have no idea. It just gets worse from here for quite a long while) OH HELL. From now on I'll just love S with all my heart and smile a lot. (I like the smile a lot part. Somehow that just adds to it)
The funny part of all this to me is that just 6 days earlier I was talking about Jesse and Frank and A and now I seem to have forgotten all about them. Good lord, no wonder I wasn't doing well in math. Who had time to worry about Algebra?
And just because I can.. the next entry.
6th entry - 10-12-88
All my life people have come and gone. Grandparents, teachers, friends, boyfriends (clearly plural), family, and strangers. It used to affect me greatly. First my Grandfather died and I hadn't gotten much of a chance to know him. At the time it didn't bother me much because I was only 5 years old and I hadn't seen him since I was 4. Now it seems to bother me a lot more than it should. Friends, people I've come to trust and care about, have left me. That always hurt. I am a very loving and caring person. I can be hurt more than I ever thought I could, by just one person. (where the hell is all this going?) The worst was always when a boyfriend and I broke up. I get so attached to people, I suppose it isn't good but I can't help it. I trust and love people so easily that they can hurt me by just turning their back. Lately I've grown accustomed to people leaving. It doesn't bother me as much but now I'm starting to be afraid again. 'What if' always goes through my mind. I have begun to wonder what I would do if S and I break up. I've really started to fall in love with him, or at least as close to love as I've ever been. (since last week at least) I know it should be the furthest thing from my mind but I just seem to think about it and then I'm terrified all over again. I kneed (yes, awful misspell here) somebody to lean on, security. I just like to be assured that I'm loved and I'm happy. I know I'll solve my problems someday but until then....
(the I changed to a different pen and wrote the following)
This last entry I wrote as though I've stepped outside myself and looked back on my life. (not really, it was all first person and in the moment idiot) It was weird seeing myself as somebody else would see me. I ought to try it more often. (oh please don't. Please)
As a teaser..the next entry starts with 'Something bizarre is going on' I wonder what I thought was bizarre back then.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Oct. 9, 1988
Yup Ladies and Gents, there is more. After your wonderful reception of my last diary entry, I can't help but post more. Here is my 3rd diary entry. It actually says that. 3rd entry - (why the hell was I keeping count?) I skipped the 2nd entry because I went on and on about it being John Lennon's bday and it was really boring. The only highlight is that some guy named Zach asked me to the winter formal. But I sort of glossed over that bit. You'd think it would have merited a bit more attention.
Well I have a new boyfriend. (bear in mind this is only 4 days after my last post where I couldn't decide between getting engaged and 2 other guys I liked or maybe even loved) His name is S (I did write his entire name but since I am friends with him on Facebook, I thought I'd save him and mostly me the embarrassment). I met him Friday and I went over to his house on Saterday (yes, I couldn't spell days of the week apparently). We kissed for about an hour and a half then I had to go. I babysat Kendra last night. (I have no idea who Kendra is anymore) Golly she sure can get on a person's nerves. I had one nerve when I woke up this morning and she got on it. Anyway. I really like S. Maybe love. (oh for fuck's sake, really Mitra??) He writes poetry too. He read me some. It is quite beautiful. So is he. Yesterday he told me I was beautiful. he was the first besides my parents and relatives. Even Scott never said that to me. I thought I love him but I suppose I did a lot of growing up over the summer and he didn't. He told me he loves me still but at the time he was together with Jenny. how anybody can do something like that is beyond me. I don't really talk to him anymore. I'm too tired to finish. (finish? It is a diary silly little girl. There is no end... )
And just for fun..here is the next entry. Titled 4th entry. Oct. 10 1988
I'm writing earlier than usual but Neda and I were supposed to go to Vallco (yeah baby! Vallco, the place to be back in 1988) today but she went without me. I'm really upset. I was looking forward to going because I wanted to buy the piano notes for 'Forever Young' now I have to wait until somebody else wants to go. Maybe I'll take the bus on Sunday. If I'm not at S's. I'd much rather be with him. I think I'm falling in love or close to it. (here we go again) It all happened so quickly. I didn't have much of a chance to think. I'm not embarrassed to kiss him in public which I was with Scott and I really believed I loved him. S has just swept me off my feet. He's so much the gentleman. He's also a romantic. Just like me. I'm really happy about this whole thing. I was feeling quite negative for a while but now the whole world looks very positive for me. I'm getting along with my parents now, I'm in love, and I have everything I need. What more could I ask for? (how about some common sense?) So long as one has love thy have all they'll ever need, for love is the essence of life. (oh do shut up! Please!)
School is going ok. Math isn't really hard but I'm not doing very well (who am I lying to here? Math was always fucking hard! I sucked at it!) I think I might be getting a C in there. I really wanted an A or B in everything. (who is this girl? Since when did I care about getting decent grades? I truly have no memory of this time in my life..) I'm trying hard though. (I highly doubt it) I have done all my work, I just don't do very good on tests. I try but I make dumb mistakes. I'm thinking of asking my parents for a tutor. (heeheehee, I said tooter. For those of you who see me often, you know I call my female dog's privates her tooter) I'm really worried. I guess I'll just have to work harder. These days it seems as though that's almost all I do but oh well (um no, you pretty much only think of boys you nitwit!) So long as I'm happy I could care less how hard I work. Love does that to a person. Weird. I'll have to think about that. (oh yes, you go right on ahead and do that)
Stay tuned folks.. I skipped ahead and the 5th entry features a MAJOR life altering dilemma about choosing between two boys!
Well I have a new boyfriend. (bear in mind this is only 4 days after my last post where I couldn't decide between getting engaged and 2 other guys I liked or maybe even loved) His name is S (I did write his entire name but since I am friends with him on Facebook, I thought I'd save him and mostly me the embarrassment). I met him Friday and I went over to his house on Saterday (yes, I couldn't spell days of the week apparently). We kissed for about an hour and a half then I had to go. I babysat Kendra last night. (I have no idea who Kendra is anymore) Golly she sure can get on a person's nerves. I had one nerve when I woke up this morning and she got on it. Anyway. I really like S. Maybe love. (oh for fuck's sake, really Mitra??) He writes poetry too. He read me some. It is quite beautiful. So is he. Yesterday he told me I was beautiful. he was the first besides my parents and relatives. Even Scott never said that to me. I thought I love him but I suppose I did a lot of growing up over the summer and he didn't. He told me he loves me still but at the time he was together with Jenny. how anybody can do something like that is beyond me. I don't really talk to him anymore. I'm too tired to finish. (finish? It is a diary silly little girl. There is no end... )
And just for fun..here is the next entry. Titled 4th entry. Oct. 10 1988
I'm writing earlier than usual but Neda and I were supposed to go to Vallco (yeah baby! Vallco, the place to be back in 1988) today but she went without me. I'm really upset. I was looking forward to going because I wanted to buy the piano notes for 'Forever Young' now I have to wait until somebody else wants to go. Maybe I'll take the bus on Sunday. If I'm not at S's. I'd much rather be with him. I think I'm falling in love or close to it. (here we go again) It all happened so quickly. I didn't have much of a chance to think. I'm not embarrassed to kiss him in public which I was with Scott and I really believed I loved him. S has just swept me off my feet. He's so much the gentleman. He's also a romantic. Just like me. I'm really happy about this whole thing. I was feeling quite negative for a while but now the whole world looks very positive for me. I'm getting along with my parents now, I'm in love, and I have everything I need. What more could I ask for? (how about some common sense?) So long as one has love thy have all they'll ever need, for love is the essence of life. (oh do shut up! Please!)
School is going ok. Math isn't really hard but I'm not doing very well (who am I lying to here? Math was always fucking hard! I sucked at it!) I think I might be getting a C in there. I really wanted an A or B in everything. (who is this girl? Since when did I care about getting decent grades? I truly have no memory of this time in my life..) I'm trying hard though. (I highly doubt it) I have done all my work, I just don't do very good on tests. I try but I make dumb mistakes. I'm thinking of asking my parents for a tutor. (heeheehee, I said tooter. For those of you who see me often, you know I call my female dog's privates her tooter) I'm really worried. I guess I'll just have to work harder. These days it seems as though that's almost all I do but oh well (um no, you pretty much only think of boys you nitwit!) So long as I'm happy I could care less how hard I work. Love does that to a person. Weird. I'll have to think about that. (oh yes, you go right on ahead and do that)
Stay tuned folks.. I skipped ahead and the 5th entry features a MAJOR life altering dilemma about choosing between two boys!
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Being Mortified isn't all that bad
Last night I was watching a show on Netflix called Mortified: Angst Written. I laughed and I cried a little bit but mostly I laughed. It was a documentary type thing about a show that is actually produced around the U.S. and, apparently, in Sweden. Go ABBA! It is basically, from what I understand, various people reading their teenage diaries. So rad. So very rad. Of course, I was inspired to dig out all my old journals, random 'poems', letters, etc. I'm a sentimental sort so there is quite a ton of it. I was going to go back to the very first one but then I realized that my Mom had given it back to me recently and said she had a good laugh reading it. Talk about mortified. I only read the first page before I wanted to find a small hole to die in. And since I can't find it anywhere, I'm guessing my mortified self hid it. So we are moving on to 1988. My first year of high school. I sure do hope the folks who produce the show don't mind me stealing the amazingly good idea.
I'm going to just write word for word what I wrote all those years ago but I'll interject my grown up opinions, thoughts, commentary, etc. in parentheses which will often lead to rambling run on sentences but ought to be fun none the less. God, this is going to be so embarrassing...
P.S. some names will be left as capital letters only to protect the poor souls that were a part of my teenage life and in reality, to protect some bit of that poor young girls future self. Me
October 5, 1988
Writing a journal is new to me. To have a place to write down all my thoughts and feelings will be nice. I've thought about keeping one for a while now but today I finally decided to. (well clearly) I suppose since Jesse is the biggest part of my thoughts these days I'll write about him. I feel as though I really love him. I worry about him constantly. (This was my first boyfriend from 5th grade. Was I seriously still obsessing about him?! Jeesus! And I worried about him constantly??) What will happen to him? He doesn't seem to want to do much with his life. He was doing drugs for a while (I'm guessing he smoked weed but back then, that was a big deal) but Brian has seemed to get him off of it but now supposedly he is selling them. (WTF Mitra? This is who you worried about?) I don't know if that is true but I wrote him a long letter telling him I still love him and he can always count on me. (Yes Ladies and Gents, a letter) I guess he's going to write back. I'm going to ask Kian if he can spend the night Saturday night. (My parents were on a month long trip to Europe at this time and I spent the week nights at my cousin's house but my brother, who was in college, came home for the weekends and I pretty much got to do teenage things that my folks wouldn't let me do if they had known)
(yes, I wrote in paragraphs) The next thing on my mind lately is A. I love him very, very much. He has recently asked me to get engaged. (Yes, engaged. This will play out over time) I know I have to say no but how will he take it? I have torn feelings about it myself. I feel as though 14 is too young. (Ya think?) So many guys will be coming and going in my life for the next 5-7 years (5-7 honey? Try 20 years!) I can't be sure my feelings for him won't change. But then again, I do love him. (clearly I had a lot of love to go around) Why does it have to be so tough?
Now I'm working on Frank. (Christ, did I ever do homework? Or eat?) I do like him. I can't go so far as to say love but I like him. How do I let him know? I guess I'll figure out a way. I always do.
SLFN (so long for now) (I was totally ahead of my time with the LOL and TTYL and ROTFL)
Stay tuned folks, I have a lot of this crap and it could take me a long time to get through. Beyond that, it will also likely inspire some other random ramblings from my head.
I'm going to just write word for word what I wrote all those years ago but I'll interject my grown up opinions, thoughts, commentary, etc. in parentheses which will often lead to rambling run on sentences but ought to be fun none the less. God, this is going to be so embarrassing...
P.S. some names will be left as capital letters only to protect the poor souls that were a part of my teenage life and in reality, to protect some bit of that poor young girls future self. Me
October 5, 1988
Writing a journal is new to me. To have a place to write down all my thoughts and feelings will be nice. I've thought about keeping one for a while now but today I finally decided to. (well clearly) I suppose since Jesse is the biggest part of my thoughts these days I'll write about him. I feel as though I really love him. I worry about him constantly. (This was my first boyfriend from 5th grade. Was I seriously still obsessing about him?! Jeesus! And I worried about him constantly??) What will happen to him? He doesn't seem to want to do much with his life. He was doing drugs for a while (I'm guessing he smoked weed but back then, that was a big deal) but Brian has seemed to get him off of it but now supposedly he is selling them. (WTF Mitra? This is who you worried about?) I don't know if that is true but I wrote him a long letter telling him I still love him and he can always count on me. (Yes Ladies and Gents, a letter) I guess he's going to write back. I'm going to ask Kian if he can spend the night Saturday night. (My parents were on a month long trip to Europe at this time and I spent the week nights at my cousin's house but my brother, who was in college, came home for the weekends and I pretty much got to do teenage things that my folks wouldn't let me do if they had known)
(yes, I wrote in paragraphs) The next thing on my mind lately is A. I love him very, very much. He has recently asked me to get engaged. (Yes, engaged. This will play out over time) I know I have to say no but how will he take it? I have torn feelings about it myself. I feel as though 14 is too young. (Ya think?) So many guys will be coming and going in my life for the next 5-7 years (5-7 honey? Try 20 years!) I can't be sure my feelings for him won't change. But then again, I do love him. (clearly I had a lot of love to go around) Why does it have to be so tough?
Now I'm working on Frank. (Christ, did I ever do homework? Or eat?) I do like him. I can't go so far as to say love but I like him. How do I let him know? I guess I'll figure out a way. I always do.
SLFN (so long for now) (I was totally ahead of my time with the LOL and TTYL and ROTFL)
Stay tuned folks, I have a lot of this crap and it could take me a long time to get through. Beyond that, it will also likely inspire some other random ramblings from my head.
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