8th entry - 10-14-88

Here we go folks, the next chapter in my little high school saga ~

     What a beautiful day! It's a bit cloudy and rainy but other than that it's beautiful! Nothing could ruin my day except, of course, S. (a bit of foreshadowing maybe?) I know he really cares about me. I'm really happy. I'm really high today, higher than I ever could be on acid. Ha ha.  (yes, sadly I had a love affair with acid in high school. Probably not the best thing but hey, these days kids are doing meth and that is way worse) I feel really guilty though. I haven't written to Arj in a long time. He's written to me a lot but I haven't bothered to send anything I've written. Horrible! Yuck! (yes, I actually wrote that) I should send one this weekend. If I don't I'll feel really bad.
     It's FRIDAY! I get to go home this weekend. I hope Kian will let me go to S's again. He probably will, he's pretty cool about that stuff. He's been letting me do just about anything. The only thing he's said 'no' to is a party but I didn't really want to have one anyway. (this is true. I was never really into having parties. It seemed like it would be far too much effort for the trouble I might have gotten in to. Not to mention the fact that anytime I did anything wrong, I always got caught) It would be too much of a risk. (see) They aren't that much fun anyway. I'm having a blast on the weekends with just Kian and Terri by going to movies and stuff. (I've always loved my big brother. Hanging out with him was totally the highlight of my life) I'm almost out of money though. I really have to get some more. Mom and Baba owe me about $50.00 for watering the house (they had a vacant house that they were trying to sell and I was getting paid to go over there and water the yard. I highly doubt they would have paid me to water our own yard but who knows..) By the time they get back it'll be at about $98.00. (about 98? About is more like 95 or 100 but 98 is pretty specific kid) I'm really happy. (yes, so you've mentioned) The year looks really promising. I've got a wonderful boyfriend, I'm doing pretty good (not well, good) in my classes, I've got money, my parents and I are getting along, and everything is just great. (little smiley face drawn at this point)

And just because I've made you all wait to long..here is the next entry.

9th entry  - 10/17/88

     I think S is mad at me for some reason or something else is wrong. He's seems (yes, I totally used he's and seems) sort of detached lately, distant. It's weird. Before he always wanted to hold me or touch me or just be near me and not it seems as though he could care less. I suppose I should talk to him about it but what if he won't talk to me? (honey, this is a clear indication that it is over. Boys don't talk. They pull away. You will experience this a lot in your life, get used to it.) What if he lies? I know he's hiding something from me but what? Why should he hide anything? (oh, poor you. you have no idea what you are in for in life) I'm willing to take everything and anything. I want to help if possible. (boys don't want help. ever.) He seems to think he's crazy. I disagree. (yes, because you are such an expert.) Neda told me that he tells people stories to get attention. He told me that some of his friends have died but I asked his best friend and he said it wasn't true. Why would he lie? What's the point? (he is trying to get away from you without actually being the one to break up, just sayin) I can't figure it out. One minute he tells me he loves me and the next he barely seems to notice me. What can it be?
     So many questions and no answers. S H I T!! (I actually had little triangles at the bottom of my exclamation points. what was that all about?) I don't want to lose him and if I can help it, I won't. He's too important. But how can I tell him how important he is? (oh probably by being all clingy and asking him what is wrong every ten seconds. I'd start there)
    

7th entry - 10-13-88

For my wonderful and amazing followers..here is the next entry in my embarrassing freshman year diary. I have a huge spiral bound notebook that I know occupied most of my high school life and I cannot find it which is vexing me. I've searched the basement, the storage unit, my random unpacked boxes from the move, and no. It is hiding. I'm hoping to locate it before I run out of pages in this one...

     Something bizarre is going on. Neda said that a lot of people have been saying S is crazy but I didn't  listen. Today S started telling me he's crazy and that he's totally uncontrollable at times. He said he's honestly worried about hurting me someday. I trust him completely but he sounded scared. I'm prepared to stick by him and help him if he ever needs anything. (God, there are times I just want to go back and smack myself for being young and stupid and idealistic) The weird part is people who at first were opposed to us are now wishing us luck, and people who were happy at first are telling me to watch myself now. I'm really confused. (No honey, you are just young and stupid) I'm not leaving S for anything. (except for maybe one of 6 other guys you've mentioned in the past week) When I care about someone it is for life. (No. Really no.) I'm not giving up even if I have to fight forever. (Someone should have taken the medieval novels away from me) I'm sick of giving up things in my life. (Like what? Phone privileges? Allowance?) From now on I'm keeping everything. (This could be the beginning of 'Hoarders Confessional' but then again, I did keep all my damned diaries) S is really important to me. (Until next week) Just when I kneeded (yes, I actually spelled it that way. How did I get good grades in English?!) somebody to lean on, he appeared. Now I have what I need so I'm going to give him what he needs. (not kneeds?) He mentioned that he saw a phsyc (I'm guessing I was shortening Psychiatrist because I couldn't fucking spell it) for a while but he doesn't think it helped. (No kneed to pay any attention to red flags) I think even he thinks he is crazy. (again, red flag my dear) Maybe he is but I don't care. (maybe I'm crazy too...) Nothings going to stop this. ( Suddenly I want to sing 'Aint nothing gonna breaka my stride, nothings gonna slow me down, oh no, got to keep on movin)

That's all for now folks. I have to remain stingy until I locate the giant green spiral bound notebook because what I have next to me only covers the next two months.

October 11, 1988

A minor back story on this one. In my second entry, which I skipped here because it was mainly about John Lennon's birthday and how sad it was that he wasn't alive and it was pretty boring, I ended with the fact that I had been asked to the winter formal by a friend named Zack Grey. (Poor guy, I feel really bad that I can't remember him. I'm sure he was a super nice person and deserves remembering) So the saga continues...

     5th entry -
     Well today was really screwed. I was in a good mood this morning but Zack told S about the formal and S got really pissed. I meant to tell him myself today but Zack beat me to it. God I felt really horrible. (the word really was underlined three times!) For a while I thought I had lost S. If that had happened... I told Zack that I couldn't go with him and he said he understood but I still felt bad. Zack is my friend but I really care about S. I really wanted to start crying a couple of times. I have something this good right here in the palm of my hands (yes, one palm but multiple hands) and I almost screwed it up. I have to watch it, I can't lose S. It's too important to me! (Notice I say 'It' is too important to me and not 'He'. Apparently it was the relationship and not the person that mattered to me.) God! Why am I so emotional? (because you are a teenage girl my silly dear self) I wish I wasn't. Then things wouldn't be so hard for me in life. (oh honey, you have no idea. It just gets worse from here for quite a long while) OH HELL. From now on I'll just love S with all my heart and smile a lot. (I like the smile a lot part. Somehow that just adds to it)


The funny part of all this to me is that just 6 days earlier I was talking about Jesse and Frank and A and now I seem to have forgotten all about them. Good lord, no wonder I wasn't doing well in math. Who had time to worry about Algebra?

And just because I can.. the next entry.

     6th entry -      10-12-88
     All my life people have come and gone. Grandparents, teachers, friends, boyfriends (clearly plural), family, and strangers. It used to affect me greatly. First my Grandfather died and I hadn't gotten much of a chance to know him. At the time it didn't bother me much because I was only 5 years old and I hadn't seen him since I was 4. Now it seems to bother me a lot more than it should. Friends, people I've come to trust and care about, have left me. That always hurt. I am a very loving and caring person. I can be hurt more than I ever thought I could, by just one person. (where the hell is all this going?) The worst was always when a boyfriend and I broke up. I get so attached to people, I suppose it isn't good but I can't help it. I trust and love people so easily that they can hurt me by just turning their back. Lately I've grown accustomed to people leaving. It doesn't bother me as much but now I'm starting to be afraid again. 'What if' always goes through my mind. I have begun to wonder what I would do if S and I break up. I've really started to fall in love with him, or at least as close to love as I've ever been. (since last week at least) I know it should be the furthest thing from my mind but I just seem to think about it and then I'm terrified all over again. I kneed (yes, awful misspell here) somebody to lean on, security. I just like to be assured that I'm loved and I'm happy. I know I'll solve my problems someday but until then....
(the I changed to a different pen and wrote the following)
This last entry I wrote as though I've stepped outside myself and looked back on my life. (not really, it was all first person and in the moment idiot) It was weird seeing myself as somebody else would see me. I ought to try it more often. (oh please don't. Please)

As a teaser..the next entry starts with 'Something bizarre is going on'  I wonder what I thought was bizarre back then.