So, I just came home from a weekend away. My cousin, or second cousin, or the cousin of my father's second cousin or perhaps even a third cousin..got married. My family takes convolution way too far. In reality, I am aware of my relationship to her... I think. There were so many amazing moments from this wedding. I'm not talking about the beautiful romantic moments, because those are obvious and not part of what I get into. The love and beauty was fabulous. The connection so clear. This amazing woman I am related to has indeed found a soul mate. It showed not only in her eyes, his eyes, the joy of their parents, etc. But also came out in the jokes of friends, the ease with which both sides came together, the laughter, the seamlessness of ceremony, the fact that any lack of perfection belonged because that is what life is. I haven't really gotten to hang out with my 'new' cousin but through his friends and family, I feel like I've found a really rad new family member.
I'm writing this because Kianoush told me that her and her beloved actually read my random crap so I am inspired to finally write again and here is what I took away from this weekend (again, besides the love I saw in your union).
Let's start with Thursday, this part is kinda short. My dad needed to borrow something from me so I put it on my patio because of what you'll read about Friday. My dad came to my door and I was super stoned. I don't get stoned often but I needed to because, again, you'll read it in a second. He comes to my door and I'm too stoned to interact. I opened the door and didn't even invite him in because I wasn't functional enough to do so. I just stood there, puffy eyed and dumb. I managed to give him a hug which I am kind of proud of. Seriously, I was fucking stoned. Anyway..move on.
Friday.. I hate to fly. Actually, I don't hate to fly, I am so terrified of flying that I am paralyzed to fly. The airport is simply destructive to my peace of mind. I need to be mindless the night before while I pack. Wine, wine, more wine. Then the distraction of mindless TV. Weed. I have to cry while I say goodbye to my dogs because I'm sure I will never see them again and they will never know why. They will have abandonment issues. I will have humanized them to a ridiculous degree all while I freak the fuck out about getting on the that stupid pill shaped aluminum box of death. Thank you random Doctor folk for creating Xanax or I would have to drive everywhere. Which I am totally OK with.. I like to drive because of the whole I am now in control thing. Shit, so my fear of flying is a control issue???? Ugh, another time. Anyway, Friday. So I go to the airport 2 hours before the flight so I can get myself situated. This requires perfect timing of a bloody mary (let's be honest, 2) with my Xanax so that I can make it on board the plane without being too fucked up but can buckle my seatbelt, put on my headphones, tip over, and pass out. Next thing I know, we have landed. I have survived this. To anyone who has never had a panic attack, this doesn't seem tough, but fuck you. I'd love to have no issues with flying and be able to jet away all over the place all the time without losing my shit. I really would. It is damned awful. A true panic attack is indescribable for those of you who have never dealt so don't judge. We land. I navigate getting my checked luggage because I had to bring a few dress options (but for a change I only I had one pair of dress shoes so that limited things) and I manage to follow my family to the rental car and get to the hotel. Honestly, I could never have done this myself. I'd still be sitting somewhere on the carousel just going in circles and the wedding would have happened and maybe I'd make it home eventually.. That night we went to the night before the wedding reception thing and it was so wonderful. From what my Xanax riddled mind remembers. I had so much fun hanging with Kianoush, Farinoush, Sara Khatami and her boyfriend Ian (god I hope I got his name right), my various random first, second, third and etc. cousins, smoking with Banafsheh and Houman, hugging Homy, adoring Mercedes, Mitchy, and Lily, seeing Christy, thinking about how much I love Kayvan and Parvin, and the list goes on. I met new people, friends of Joseph and Kianoush, everyone was wonderful. I hope no one is offended by not being named, I was drinking for god's sake. Amazing food, lots of wine, all was well. I survived the flight.
Now it is Saturday,
My parents had a fabulous idea to go find a casino. I have to say, I didn't object and still don't think it was a bad idea. But not worthy of story telling. Instead, let us flash forward to getting ready for the wedding. I've been single for a while now and the only times I really don't like it is when there is a spider that needs to be killed, when I'm on the toilet and there isn't a spare roll in the bathroom, when I'm not sure if there is a rat stealing the dog food, and..most importantly, when I need my dress zipped up before an event. (sucks just as much at the end of the night when you haven't found anyone to unzip you..just FYI but thanks Mercedes!). So my make up is done because I'm not girly enough to require more than 15 minutes and I'm now watching crap TV waiting until I can go ask my mom to zip me up. Ok, that part is done. I'm ready to go. Best part, the dress I'm wearing doesn't require stupid soul sucking spanx so I can pee anytime I want. RAD! The ceremony is beautiful and because I don't wear shit tons of make up, I'm good with just a swipe or two of under my eyes to fix the mascara run thingy. Now we party.. OH HELL YES we party! Freaking amazing wedding party time! I'm surrounded by my younger cousins, my contemporaries, my favorite party time folk, and some new white people who have rhythm. I haven't danced this hard since the last wedding. So damned fun! I see my brother get kind of wasted (sorry brother), my dad isn't super sober either, and all my family is laughing, dancing, forming a whirlwind of joy and love and the best feelings ever. I meet someone fun, we talk, we move on, life just keeps happening and it is all a part of the love that my cousin and her beloved have created for us. I wish the night hadn't ended. I would do it all again tomorrow if possible, or better yet, rewind and even live through the flying if I had to just to enjoy every minute. To live it again and relish. Sadly, Saturday ended. I got in an Uber with Merc and Mitchy and we ended up back at the hotel. If there was any way to keep on, I bet we would have.
Sunday... Sunday was the inspiration for this entire writing. As I was saying goodbye to all my wonderful family, new friends, adorable cousins both first and beyond, Kianoush pulled me back to Joseph and said (even though I had met him several times throughout the weekend) this is Mitra! The Mitra from Mitra Is Just Sayin Is All and poor Joseph kindly said hello again and smiled his welcoming and warm smile and gave me a hug. At the end of the weekend, the thing that inspired this essay (blog? thing? what do you call this?) is that right before I said goodbye to the amazing, happy, inspirational couple was that I also said goodbye to our cousin Arjang to who took the opportunity to usurp all attention (as usual) and rape my face with his boobs. Yes, his boobs. He forced my face into his chest and pumped his damn pectoral muscles one at a time, back and forth, all over my face! Yes I'm single, and it has been a long time, but Jesus Fucking Christ! That is the action I got?!
Kianoush and Josheph, thank you for your loving light, thank you for your friends, thank you for an amazing weekend, and I guess I have no choice but to thank you for Arjang's boobs.
Monday, August 8, 2016
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Bad Poetry 1996
Yes folks, I promised and I will deliver. Here is some bad poetry from my early years. I'm guessing all poetry is bad or I'd be some amazing tortured poet by now.. right? This is one from 04/17/1996. Enjoy and please laugh along with me.
While I sleep you steal in
Your fingers reach inside my head
Grasping my mind all thoughts merging
To one direct thought demanded of me (yes, I write the same way I talk punctuation be damned!)
My will bends my knew weaken
I slide deeper down
Damnation upon you to have brought it (WHAT?!)
My hand you've touched still burns
Wanting floods my veins aching
It pulls me into your arms
The beat pulses rhythm joining us
We feed on eachother I sink into you (yes, eachother is one word in my bad poetry world)
Drink you in honey sweetens my tongue
Body to body intensity builds
Desperation to continue another searing touch and I am consumed
Sensuality surrounds us none other compares
The loss of innocence I want from you (no, this isn't about me losing my virginity, at least I don't think so...)
Teach me of desire drips off my lips
Observers wonder at the possibility of us
The beat pumps harder as do we
Cannot stop this the lesson well taught
Come into me read the words I write
Kiss what I now Skin you must posses
Explore the part of me as yet unseen
A beauty wholly invisible
A singular teardrop as the music stops
Yet strangely you remain
I wish I knew who this was all about. Apparently I was really into him.. Have a great night friends!
While I sleep you steal in
Your fingers reach inside my head
Grasping my mind all thoughts merging
To one direct thought demanded of me (yes, I write the same way I talk punctuation be damned!)
My will bends my knew weaken
I slide deeper down
Damnation upon you to have brought it (WHAT?!)
My hand you've touched still burns
Wanting floods my veins aching
It pulls me into your arms
The beat pulses rhythm joining us
We feed on eachother I sink into you (yes, eachother is one word in my bad poetry world)
Drink you in honey sweetens my tongue
Body to body intensity builds
Desperation to continue another searing touch and I am consumed
Sensuality surrounds us none other compares
The loss of innocence I want from you (no, this isn't about me losing my virginity, at least I don't think so...)
Teach me of desire drips off my lips
Observers wonder at the possibility of us
The beat pumps harder as do we
Cannot stop this the lesson well taught
Come into me read the words I write
Kiss what I now Skin you must posses
Explore the part of me as yet unseen
A beauty wholly invisible
A singular teardrop as the music stops
Yet strangely you remain
I wish I knew who this was all about. Apparently I was really into him.. Have a great night friends!
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Sisters
So I was sitting in my friend's yard the other day and we got to talking about 'kids these days' because yes, I'm that old. We reminisced about our childhoods and how we amused ourselves without video games, went outside, all the things that those young folk don't do anymore. I brought it up because I had been listening to Howard Stern that morning and Tina Fey was talking about her new movie 'Sisters'. It reminded me of my childhood. I have many cousins, most of whom are my readers so you know each other and the things we did and more importantly, the things we did together. The reason that particular interview brought memories up for me was that I have two cousins in particular who I played a game called 'sisters' with. They are both younger than me but I don't think that actually matters to the story so ignore that part. The important part is that they would occasionally come over when their parents came to hang with mine. Their mother is my father's sister so there was a closeness inherent in that relationship. The time I remember is when we lived in this one house that had a really long hallway. My Aunt and Uncle (Ameh and Amou in Farsi) would come over for dinner (and I suspect many drinks too) and they would stay the night, or at least late into the night, my memory is likely as fuzzy as theirs. My two cousins and I would play a game that started with us hanging out in my room and getting 'dressed for work'. I don't recall the actual outfits but we would get ready, pretend to eat breakfast, and then we would leave my room to head to work. The big part of the game was that we were sisters living together who were all teachers and we would leave at the same time to go to work. We'd all leave my room, sit in separate parts of the hallway, and teach our classes. I'm guessing that since we were all really young (I was 11ish) we taught elementary school. We'd sit like that, talking to ourselves, for about 15-20 minutes and then we'd conclude our teaching days and head back 'home' to my room. Then we'd pretend to make dinner and do whatever we thought adults did at the end of the day. We were happy and the thought that maybe that could be our lives was fun to us.
There is so many aspects of that I find interesting. The imagination that kept us busy and out of our parents' hair for the evening, the fact that we didn't need anything electronic to entertain us, and the really weird part of us thinking that 3 spinster teachers living together was awesome. I'll tackle the first bit first. Well actually one and two are together. I spent my entire childhood amusing myself. I did have an Atari but it was more of a sideline, not an all consuming part of my day. I spent much of my days making elaborate bird's eye views of Barbie houses, roller skating, dressing my dog up in doll clothes and taking him for a walk in a baby buggy, or trying to build an entire town out of mud so I could end up on That's Incredible!
Ok, so now we end up at the point I am trying to make about the idea of my childhood game of Sisters. (Yes, I realized that it is highly likely that none of this has anything to do with the movie but as I haven't seen it, I don't care...inspiration comes from where it comes from, yes?) I love my cousins. All of them in so many ways. These two cousins in particular have a special place, as do all of my cousins but for different reasons, in my heart. We were sisters. At that young age we thought that living together forever was something special. We didn't dream of marriage or children, we dreamt of just living together. It seems ridiculous at this point. I don't think any of us would actually be happy being one of three spinsters living together in a one room house with only a teacher income to live off of. Then again, three people sharing just one room (and I'm not talking one bedroom, just one room total) and hoping for a government pension may not be that bad...
My darling cousins, each of you have touched my life and I love that I have random memories of all of you popping up in my head throughout each day I live. I'm blessed.
P.S. any of my regular readers who sat through this and are hoping for more embarrassing high school diary stuff, don't worry, I'll get on it and post the really really really bad poetry I've got saved up. Thanks all!
There is so many aspects of that I find interesting. The imagination that kept us busy and out of our parents' hair for the evening, the fact that we didn't need anything electronic to entertain us, and the really weird part of us thinking that 3 spinster teachers living together was awesome. I'll tackle the first bit first. Well actually one and two are together. I spent my entire childhood amusing myself. I did have an Atari but it was more of a sideline, not an all consuming part of my day. I spent much of my days making elaborate bird's eye views of Barbie houses, roller skating, dressing my dog up in doll clothes and taking him for a walk in a baby buggy, or trying to build an entire town out of mud so I could end up on That's Incredible!
Ok, so now we end up at the point I am trying to make about the idea of my childhood game of Sisters. (Yes, I realized that it is highly likely that none of this has anything to do with the movie but as I haven't seen it, I don't care...inspiration comes from where it comes from, yes?) I love my cousins. All of them in so many ways. These two cousins in particular have a special place, as do all of my cousins but for different reasons, in my heart. We were sisters. At that young age we thought that living together forever was something special. We didn't dream of marriage or children, we dreamt of just living together. It seems ridiculous at this point. I don't think any of us would actually be happy being one of three spinsters living together in a one room house with only a teacher income to live off of. Then again, three people sharing just one room (and I'm not talking one bedroom, just one room total) and hoping for a government pension may not be that bad...
My darling cousins, each of you have touched my life and I love that I have random memories of all of you popping up in my head throughout each day I live. I'm blessed.
P.S. any of my regular readers who sat through this and are hoping for more embarrassing high school diary stuff, don't worry, I'll get on it and post the really really really bad poetry I've got saved up. Thanks all!
Saturday, November 29, 2014
2-28-89
Well dear readers, here we go again. The really silly thing about this entry is that at the top of the page I wrote 'Is love not the best thing of all?' In light of my current situation, I would really like to go back and throttle my teenage self! She is partially to blame for all this! Anyway..on to the meat.
2-28-89
Today was such a routine day, but it wasn't. (oh for fucks sake, here we go. let me guess, you fell in love?) I guess it just sort of felt like it. It was my friends b-day. We gave him a bunch of stuff during first period and he was really embarrassed. I think he really appreciated it though. (yes, because everyone appreciates being embarrassed) He said that his parents forgot. They were probably saving it until after school. I hope so, it would really suck if my parents forgot my b-day. They never have before. (sixteen candles anyone?)
(*) (here we go with the asterisk again)
Lately I have realized that Duke is getting old. (crap, now I'm going to start crying) He won't live much longer. I'm really sad about that. (you have no idea how devastated you will be. you will cry for years and miss him forever) He is such a big part of me. I love him so much. He has been with me most of my life. Nine years so far. I believe that is how old he is. He might last through my high school years but I doubt it. (sadly you were right. he only made it two more years. what an amazing dog he was) He's not an abnormally healthy dog and the average age for small dogs is about 10-13 years. (where did I get that info?) I don't know how I'd react. (you cried for weeks. you couldn't take your finals. it was awful) I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. Maybe I love him too much. (not possible. dogs deserve every ounce of love we have and more) It can't be good for me but then again neither is coffee. (did you just compare your love for your amazing best friend to coffee? you are seriously a freak)
(*)
I wonder if you know how much I admire you. I'v (yes I apparently couldn't spell I've) always wanted to be just like you. To me, you are perfect. (considering I know who I was writing this too I have to laugh really hard at myself)
2-28-89
Today was such a routine day, but it wasn't. (oh for fucks sake, here we go. let me guess, you fell in love?) I guess it just sort of felt like it. It was my friends b-day. We gave him a bunch of stuff during first period and he was really embarrassed. I think he really appreciated it though. (yes, because everyone appreciates being embarrassed) He said that his parents forgot. They were probably saving it until after school. I hope so, it would really suck if my parents forgot my b-day. They never have before. (sixteen candles anyone?)
(*) (here we go with the asterisk again)
Lately I have realized that Duke is getting old. (crap, now I'm going to start crying) He won't live much longer. I'm really sad about that. (you have no idea how devastated you will be. you will cry for years and miss him forever) He is such a big part of me. I love him so much. He has been with me most of my life. Nine years so far. I believe that is how old he is. He might last through my high school years but I doubt it. (sadly you were right. he only made it two more years. what an amazing dog he was) He's not an abnormally healthy dog and the average age for small dogs is about 10-13 years. (where did I get that info?) I don't know how I'd react. (you cried for weeks. you couldn't take your finals. it was awful) I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. Maybe I love him too much. (not possible. dogs deserve every ounce of love we have and more) It can't be good for me but then again neither is coffee. (did you just compare your love for your amazing best friend to coffee? you are seriously a freak)
(*)
I wonder if you know how much I admire you. I'v (yes I apparently couldn't spell I've) always wanted to be just like you. To me, you are perfect. (considering I know who I was writing this too I have to laugh really hard at myself)
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
And now we move on to 1989
Hello dear readers! We are skipping forward to February of 1989, mainly because I don't seem to have written anything between the end of the last journal and this point. I'm sure if I had kept one during this time, it would say something like 'I'm in love with ... and I'm now in love with... and how am I ever going to live without...' You get the point. So let's move on and see what I had to say when I was 14 and a half.
2-27-89 (I stopped numbering my entries finally!) (Oh, and at the top of the page is a poorly drawn peace symbol, I wish I could figure out how to add pictures to this..)
Well I'm starting my journal to you. It'll be a book when I'm done. (No, at this point I don't know who I am writing this to but I'm sure I'll figure it out as we go along) I'm using it not only as a place to write the days happenings but also a place to put down ideas, thoughts and feelings. (so apparently you are aware of what a journal is for. Good for you.) It's a good idea. Thank you.
(then I put a little asterisk in the middle of page. I guess I was signifying a change of subject)
I've started to straighten out my life now. (snort) Since I know that someday we are to be married (I'm impressed I made it this far before wanting to choke my teenage self) I can work towards that goal. I need solidness in my life (like having a great family, both parents still married to each other, and living in Saratoga wasn't solid?) and now I have it. I'm going to better in school (snort again), I mean really work hard. I'm going to get a job once school is doing better, and I'm going to be good. (snort, snort, snort!) No more smoking or shit like that. (sure whatever you say) I'm still going to drink coffee though. I love it.
(asterisk *)
I've dreamed of marrying somebody I love with all my heart since I was a little girl. (and that is how you ended up in the trouble you are in today) Now my dream has come true. (well, not really. you exactly married at this point you nitwit) I wish time would go faster. (Christ, kids are fucking annoying) Six years seems like a long time from now. I know that once it has gone by it'll seem as though it took no time at all. (that might be the first intelligent thing I had ever said) But, I'm impatient when it comes to waiting 10 min for dinner. 10 minutes is nothing compared to six years.
(*)
I've always, well not always because the thought hit me recently (ugh, you need to be slapped) wondered if you think I'm too much younger than you. I know it won't matter in 6-10 years but what about now?
(*)
Tomorrow is one of my friends birthdays. Francis. (ah Franny, I remember this day) We, a group of friends, are going to embarrass the hell out of him because we bought him flowers, a balloon, streamers, and a card. (apparently we are all assholes too. why would we go out of our way to make someone feel embarrassed?) He's a pretty shy guy so it'll be cute. (again, we are assholes)
(*)
(anyone sick of the asterisks yet?) I keep changing subject's huh? (thanks for clueing in) I guess I only have so much to say about one thing. (and yet so much to say in general)
See you next time for 2-28-89 where at the top of the page I wrote 'is love not the best thing of all?' God, I don't know how much more of myself I can handle.
2-27-89 (I stopped numbering my entries finally!) (Oh, and at the top of the page is a poorly drawn peace symbol, I wish I could figure out how to add pictures to this..)
Well I'm starting my journal to you. It'll be a book when I'm done. (No, at this point I don't know who I am writing this to but I'm sure I'll figure it out as we go along) I'm using it not only as a place to write the days happenings but also a place to put down ideas, thoughts and feelings. (so apparently you are aware of what a journal is for. Good for you.) It's a good idea. Thank you.
(then I put a little asterisk in the middle of page. I guess I was signifying a change of subject)
I've started to straighten out my life now. (snort) Since I know that someday we are to be married (I'm impressed I made it this far before wanting to choke my teenage self) I can work towards that goal. I need solidness in my life (like having a great family, both parents still married to each other, and living in Saratoga wasn't solid?) and now I have it. I'm going to better in school (snort again), I mean really work hard. I'm going to get a job once school is doing better, and I'm going to be good. (snort, snort, snort!) No more smoking or shit like that. (sure whatever you say) I'm still going to drink coffee though. I love it.
(asterisk *)
I've dreamed of marrying somebody I love with all my heart since I was a little girl. (and that is how you ended up in the trouble you are in today) Now my dream has come true. (well, not really. you exactly married at this point you nitwit) I wish time would go faster. (Christ, kids are fucking annoying) Six years seems like a long time from now. I know that once it has gone by it'll seem as though it took no time at all. (that might be the first intelligent thing I had ever said) But, I'm impatient when it comes to waiting 10 min for dinner. 10 minutes is nothing compared to six years.
(*)
I've always, well not always because the thought hit me recently (ugh, you need to be slapped) wondered if you think I'm too much younger than you. I know it won't matter in 6-10 years but what about now?
(*)
Tomorrow is one of my friends birthdays. Francis. (ah Franny, I remember this day) We, a group of friends, are going to embarrass the hell out of him because we bought him flowers, a balloon, streamers, and a card. (apparently we are all assholes too. why would we go out of our way to make someone feel embarrassed?) He's a pretty shy guy so it'll be cute. (again, we are assholes)
(*)
(anyone sick of the asterisks yet?) I keep changing subject's huh? (thanks for clueing in) I guess I only have so much to say about one thing. (and yet so much to say in general)
See you next time for 2-28-89 where at the top of the page I wrote 'is love not the best thing of all?' God, I don't know how much more of myself I can handle.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
24th entry
Well folks, some of you have been so kind as to let me know how much you have been enjoying reading my old diaries and because of that, I'm encouraged to keep going. So thank you for taking the time out of your day to say hi and let me know what you think. And for those of you who read them and don't even bother to say a damn thing.. ;) just kidding. I don't mind if you don't tell me how awesome I am, I tell myself enough for everyone. Here, my dear readers, is the 24th entry!
24th (I didn't even bother writing entry this time..looks like we might finally be getting to the end of the numbering system. Woohoo! Anyway...)
24th 11-22-88
Life is perfect. I never thought I could be so happy. I love Jesse and he loves me. It couldn't get much better. (That is actually the entire entry. Apparently I was so busy being in love...again...that I couldn't write anything else. Is anybody else exhausted by all this?)
25th 12-12-88
I'm happy! (yeah, because this has lasted almost 3 whole weeks!) Jesse and I are getting along real well. (real well? isn't that swell?) No fights or anything. We are still very much in love. (Ok, I do have to give myself a tiny bit of credit here since I was pretty much in love with Jesse all of 5th and 6th grade as well. There was history there baby) It's been a month now. (that is actually a lifetime for you my flighty little self) I love him so much. Someday I'm going to marry him. Life will be perfect then. :) (yes, I actually drew myself a little smiley face but that is totally beside the point. I really should be laughing at myself for the whole 'I'm going to marry him' thing considering I also thought I was going to marry Rick Springfield when I was 11. Another embarrassing story for another time)
Sadly everyone, this is the end of this particular journal. But never fear! I have found the green journal and soon we will begin again from February 27, 1989!
24th (I didn't even bother writing entry this time..looks like we might finally be getting to the end of the numbering system. Woohoo! Anyway...)
24th 11-22-88
Life is perfect. I never thought I could be so happy. I love Jesse and he loves me. It couldn't get much better. (That is actually the entire entry. Apparently I was so busy being in love...again...that I couldn't write anything else. Is anybody else exhausted by all this?)
25th 12-12-88
I'm happy! (yeah, because this has lasted almost 3 whole weeks!) Jesse and I are getting along real well. (real well? isn't that swell?) No fights or anything. We are still very much in love. (Ok, I do have to give myself a tiny bit of credit here since I was pretty much in love with Jesse all of 5th and 6th grade as well. There was history there baby) It's been a month now. (that is actually a lifetime for you my flighty little self) I love him so much. Someday I'm going to marry him. Life will be perfect then. :) (yes, I actually drew myself a little smiley face but that is totally beside the point. I really should be laughing at myself for the whole 'I'm going to marry him' thing considering I also thought I was going to marry Rick Springfield when I was 11. Another embarrassing story for another time)
Sadly everyone, this is the end of this particular journal. But never fear! I have found the green journal and soon we will begin again from February 27, 1989!
Saturday, August 9, 2014
22nd entry (what am I going to call them when I stop numbering them?)
Yes my dear friends, there is always more..
22nd entry 11-18-88
I'm so happy! Jesse is coming to visit me on Sunday. Just when I thought I wouldn't see him again. He told me he wanted to see me. (this whole thing with Jesse started in 5th grade and man, what an obsession! We went 'around' in 5th and 6th grade. That meant we sat next to each other in assembly) My mom said ok. I really love him (shocking that) and I am thinking of running away with him. (this is so about to get embarrassing) I won't leave forever. just for a little while. A few weeks. (yes, because that is how running away works) I just want to be with him. I want to be with him forever. (I can almost hear my own breathless voice as I declare my desire) He is my life. (at least for this minute) My heart & soul. (can I reach back through time and slap myself silly?)
23rd - (yay, I finally stopped writing entry at least!) 11-21-88
Well I guess this is the 13th or 14th time for me and Jesse. He told me he still loves me. He also gave me his necklace. (well that seals it then, doesn't it?) That really means a lot to me. (I think he also gave you half of a $5 bill that you still have in a box somewhere. It was supposed to signify that you would one day be together again. I love that I have hung on to this random shit and that I still know why) He kissed me for the first time yesterday. It was strange because I've known him for 4.5 years and this was the first time we kissed. (such a silly innocent youth) I have a feeling it won't be the last. (actually, it might have been because you most likely fell in love with someone else on your way to the mailbox that day) Brian said that Jesse is just using me but I don't believe it. (why would you? He is your heart & soul for god's sake!) Jesse is a different person when he's with me. (all men are honey) He's loving and kind. I really believe that he cares. Life is great, I'm so Happy! He's coming to see me today after school. He's taking the bus from Mountain View. (now that is true love right there) He said he'd be there at 3. I can't wait. I really love him. (for the next 5 minutes)
I have some really truly awful poetry that I might need to one day include in this but for now, let's leave my embarrassment to just my journal entries.
22nd entry 11-18-88
I'm so happy! Jesse is coming to visit me on Sunday. Just when I thought I wouldn't see him again. He told me he wanted to see me. (this whole thing with Jesse started in 5th grade and man, what an obsession! We went 'around' in 5th and 6th grade. That meant we sat next to each other in assembly) My mom said ok. I really love him (shocking that) and I am thinking of running away with him. (this is so about to get embarrassing) I won't leave forever. just for a little while. A few weeks. (yes, because that is how running away works) I just want to be with him. I want to be with him forever. (I can almost hear my own breathless voice as I declare my desire) He is my life. (at least for this minute) My heart & soul. (can I reach back through time and slap myself silly?)
23rd - (yay, I finally stopped writing entry at least!) 11-21-88
Well I guess this is the 13th or 14th time for me and Jesse. He told me he still loves me. He also gave me his necklace. (well that seals it then, doesn't it?) That really means a lot to me. (I think he also gave you half of a $5 bill that you still have in a box somewhere. It was supposed to signify that you would one day be together again. I love that I have hung on to this random shit and that I still know why) He kissed me for the first time yesterday. It was strange because I've known him for 4.5 years and this was the first time we kissed. (such a silly innocent youth) I have a feeling it won't be the last. (actually, it might have been because you most likely fell in love with someone else on your way to the mailbox that day) Brian said that Jesse is just using me but I don't believe it. (why would you? He is your heart & soul for god's sake!) Jesse is a different person when he's with me. (all men are honey) He's loving and kind. I really believe that he cares. Life is great, I'm so Happy! He's coming to see me today after school. He's taking the bus from Mountain View. (now that is true love right there) He said he'd be there at 3. I can't wait. I really love him. (for the next 5 minutes)
I have some really truly awful poetry that I might need to one day include in this but for now, let's leave my embarrassment to just my journal entries.
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